Shrinking Violet

5

I'd suffer from chronic anxiety.

At first, I didn't know what was wrong. Until someone asked "what's the difference of depression and anxiety". I was not interested about that topic.

We're in outing. It's also a goodbye to our classmate that will not be with us until we graduate. In short, someone will transfer to another school.

I did not join them in the bonfire and just sat down. silently listening to what they were talking about.

Someone answered that question and it's like a bomb that woke me from sleeping.

What I felt was "gusto ko na mamatay", "gusto ko magkasakit", gusto ko masaktan".

I never knew that I'm having anxiety.

In return, my father was brought to the hospital. 50/50.

"Sana ako na lang yung nandun"

"Hindi niya deserve yan"

I saw my Mama quietly crying. I want to get that pain out of her, but I did nothing.

I didn't know what to do at that time.

It feels like everything is wrong.

I'm wrong.

What I want to do is kill my self while there is he, fighting for his life. For me, for my Mama.

What's wrong with me?

I'm not this girl.

I'm responsible but I gave my parents an embarrassment.

Embarrassment.

Bakit kasi ako nagselos e parang hindi naman talaga ako mahal?

Bakit ako lumaban e alam ko namang talo ako?

Bakit ako nagtiwala? Naalala ko wala nga pala akong tunay na kaibigan.

Sana kinimkim ko na lang kaysa tumanggap ng kahihiyan sa buhay.

Ngayon, wala na kami ng boyfriend ko. After that issue, tumibay. Tapos ibinigay ko lahat. Sumuway sa magulang, tumakas sa magulang, mga bagay na hindi ko ginagawa noon. Nagawa ko para sa kaniya. Pero hindi pala enough.

May mas better pa pala.

Halos 5 araw sa isang linggo, hindi kami okay. Halos gabi gabi, umiiyak ako. Halos namayat ako kakamahal sa kaniya. Pero ang gago, kaya pala ganun, may iba.

Kaya pala inaakusahan ako na nagccheat kasi ayaw niyang mahuli ko siya. Na kada offline ako sa umaga, may kachat na iba. At pag-ol na ko sa gabi, sasabihin sa chx niya, may gagawin siya.

One time lang akong nagreklamo na pagod na ako pero hindi ako nakatikim ng suyo.

Ang natanggap ko, nakakasawa daw ako.

Gusto niya daw ng ibang babae,

Pero hindi niya daw ako kaya iwan.

So, I did. Iniwan ko siya. Gusto niya ng clear na past? Go. Gusto niya na mukha siyang mabuti sa mukha ng iba? Go.

Ang inayawan ko lang.

Hindi daw niya 'ko ex.

Wala daw naging kami.

Wow.

Pero okay lang 'yun.

Niloko naman siya nung ipinalit niya e

Serves him right!

That's what we call karma.

-

After months I already knew that he has a girlfriend.

I was just wondering, why didn't he changed his password?

Hindi ba lingid sa kaalaman niya na ibinigay niya sa akin yun noong may kami pa? Hey boy, don't expect na gagawa na naman ako ng eksena for you.

You are not that important anymore.

But whenever I see him with that girl, hugging that girl, I couldn't deny that I was hurting.

Not because I could bear it, it didn't hurt.

I was hurt but no one was there for me. I was hurt but it seems like I don't have the right to feel that. Because I was the one who left. I was hurt but I can't say that. 'Cause no one dare to ask. No one cares.

Remember, mas gago yung taong ginusto pero hindi ginawa kaysa ginawa pero hindi ginusto.

It was like I'm just a nightmare that must be forgotten.

I showed them that I'm not affected. Like it's okay to erase me. I showed them that I'm strong so if I saw someone who's experiencing of what I have suffered, I can help them.

Like JC

I'm very happy that "I" happened.

If not... Maybe he's now 6ft under the ground.

I'll not make it happen.

If he doesn't care for his self, I care!

I think I'm finally moved on. I'm ready to risk my healed heart to someone who deserves it.

Future boyfriend,

Please bear with me. I came from a bad relationship.