Shrinking Violet

48

It's been a week since I locked myself in this room. 

Natatandaan ko pa kung paano ako nginitian ni Kristine bago pumasok sa kwartong ito. She's really trying her best to be kind. It's good.

The reason why I'm doing this is.. is.. I don't know. I just want to be alone. I want to prove that Leo's wrong but I can't do anything. It already happened. Hindi ko na mababago iyon. 

"Don't you think? This is all because of you... She loved you so much but you didn't make her feel that she's enough."

I remember how she waited until night in our house, turned out, I slept in Kristine's. 

"Way back in high school, hindi mo talaga siya mahal, 'di ba?" 

I'm scared. It's partly true. 

"You're attracted to Kristine but you doesn't want to love her because it will make your dad happy. So, after you got tired fighting yourself, you gave in. You gave all your time and attention to her, leaving Joyce behind... It's all on her that she chose me, you made her do that. You are not sorry. You shouldn't be sorry."

It's all my fault, I'm just scared to face what I did. 

"You were a bad fiance. Please don't be a worst husband."

I am bad. I am so bad. How can I face everything? Everyone? I'm so embarrassed. 

"Destiny didn't agree with us. It's just it." 

Those were the last words I said. 

I sighed. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang sisisihin ko. Gusto kong manuro. Hindi. Minahal ko lang siya. Wala akong ginawang masama. 

Minahal ko siya pero una pa lang alam ko na na hindi kami. Una pa lang mali na yung 'kami'. I loved her because there's no one beside me, just her. Maybe, she made me happy and contented that made me feel 'I'm in love with her'. 

Minahal ko siya dahil wala ng tumatanggap sa akin. Minahal ko siya dahil walang- wala ako. Minahal ko siya dahil pati sarili ko, naiwala ko. 

She fixed me, I broke her. How did I do that? 

Ibinaon ko sa mga braso ko ang mukha ko. 

Ang sama- sama ko. 

I received a text from Maki.

Sht. Maki! 

"Tol, sinong bride ang nandiyan? Nandito kami sa likod ng bahay nina Joyce. Nakita ko Papa mo, kakalabas lang ng gate nila. Hindi ko alam ang nangyayari tol pero kinakabahan ako kay Tito."

Tumayo ako. Patuloy na bumabagsak ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. 

Bakit siya tumawag at gano'n ang sinabi niya? K- kung nakita niya si Papa.. ibig sabihin..

Mabilis at malalim ang bawat paghinga ko paalis sa bahay. Tinakbo ko ang daan patungo sa bahay namin. Ang lamig dahil kalagitnaan na ng gabi ngunit wala akong pakialam. Anong ginawa ni Papa kay Joyce? 

"Pa.." hingal ako ngunit hindi na ako nagsayang ng oras at tinanong na agad siya. "Anong ginawa mo kay Joyce?" Tumayo siya at hinarap ako.   "Bakit nanggaling ka sa bahay nila Joyce ng araw ng kasal namin?"

"Anong sinasabi mo? Hindi ko nga alam kung saang lupalop ng mundo ang bahay no'n."  Nanatiling walang ekspresyon ang mukha niya. Talagang nagmamaang- maangan pa siya. 

"May nakakita sa'yo." Madiin kong sabi. "Anong ginawa mo noon kay Joyce?!"

"I'll call her." Leo said.