Blinded By The Darkness

Chapter 3 - Nullity

Tired of having to put up with Cherry and Anjola's constant talk about the party, I decided to take the bus home after school instead of walking with them.

In addition, I wanted to get home faster today.

The bus had dropped me off and I walked up to our porch to unlock the door leading into the house.

My dad usually had to travel on Fridays for one of his mechanic sprees meaning he wouldn't be back till like twelve midnight or so.

After entering into the house and heading to the kitchen, I made a sandwich with a sausage in the middle and washed it down with a box of fruit juice. I checked my watch for the time; it was already quarter past six

"Shit" I exclaimed. Daniel would have video called me. I quickly went to my room and grabbed my laptop but I didn't see any missed video call from him. I dialed him as soon as possible

Daniel was a guy I met on an online teaching forum. I was looking for clarifications on a particular chem. theorem and he was the only one willing to help me.

After getting clarifications from him about the problem, we continued chatting and I found him quite amusing.

Daniel was an adopted child. He lived in Africa before his dad relocated to Brooks like a year ago. Brooks was about 6 hours away from Sege.

His mom had cheated on his dad with another man and they had a messy divorce. Summarily, his dad got full custody of him and he ran to Brooks with his son.

Daniel's dad got a new girlfriend after three months of residing in Brooks

We talked about everything and he was great confidant. He told me how he missed Africa a lot and how he loved his dad but hated living in Brooks , how he longed to go back to Africa to live with his mom and see his old friends

Sincerely, I always looked forward to our video calls on Fridays. We picked Friday because it was the day we were both free to talk.

Daniel was under technology restrictions. His dad seized his phone when he found that he usually used it to talk to his mom.

His father figured out that she was willing to buy him a plane ticket to help him return back to Africa without his father knowing anything.

Usually on Fridays, his dad went out with his supposed girlfriend for dinner, so he always used the opportunity to sneak into his room and get his stuff.

To be honest, I was really bummed out when he didn't pick my video call. Probably he was busy or maybe his dad was at home, I thought.

Today was not going exactly as I planned.

Talking with Daniel was supposed to help me keep the demons away, what was I supposed to do now?

Daniel was the safest haven I had to clear all my thoughts.

He was like my own personal therapy session to me. An opportunity to allow my steam blow off and that was not going to happen today apparently.

Daniel was the only one that knew me for me. He was aware of all my fears and insecurities. He knew I went to bed most nights with tears in my eyes asking myself why I wasn't good enough for the world.

Most times, I felt like I had no exact purpose for living, like I was wasting space being on earth. I was aware I didn't have much going on in my life and maybe that was the problem.

As I began panting, I already started foreseeing one of my numerous meltdowns.

Putting up a façade that you are fine every freaking day can be so tiring when you just want to be happy.

It was like more things kept falling apart, one after the other. I was trying to be strong but being strong as a limit too

A glimpse at my life would make anyone go numb; I had a dad who kept secrets from me, friends that made me feel like the third wheel and I was a laughing stock in my school more or less.

And maybe, just maybe, I've managed to chase Daniel away, the only person that I could talk too about everything, the only person I really considered to be my friend, why am I not surprised

Life really sucks- I suck. I stared at my reflection in the mirror in front of me, I saw a girl, a young girl that craved happiness more than anything with no exact purpose

I averted my eyes down to gaze at the ground and sighed

My eyes took a glance at my reflection in the mirror again, and this time I saw another version of myself, a tattered and battered version.

It was probably just my subconscious mocking me but I knew that I was just showing myself the truth, the bitter truth

At that moment, I knew what to do as I didn't hesitate to open the drawers desperately searching for my blade, which I found in a blink of an eye. I went to the toilet and looked at my reflection in the mirror once again

"Do it" The battered version of me said in the mirror

Tentatively, I looked at my wrists and saw the stitched up self inflicted injury I had given myself in the past.

This was not going to be my first nor second or even third I was going to hurt myself. It was my way of savoring the pain.

Pain demanded to be felt and this way my way of physically feeling the pain.

I grabbed the blade and cut myself. I was bland at that moment. I felt nothing, not sad, nor helpless, or useless, not even pain- Simply empty

As I watched as the red droplets of blood fell into the sink, I started laughing- I wanted to be free but yet I was still held captive by my self

How ironic was that? I looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw what I wanted and needed to see; the battered version of me making a mockery of myself.

Life was surely unfair, I sighed

After I had cleaned up my wound and the sink, I wore a long sleeved shirt just to cover up the injury. I didn't want my dad to make a big fuss over the small injury and to start asking me unwarranted questions.

It was already late, so I went to my bed and laid down, waiting for sleep to overcome me while still wondering if I would ever be happy.

Eventually, I did sleep because I woke up around midnight hearing my dad's snores meaning he was back.

Right away, I grabbed my phone to check if I had any new message and I did have two messages

One from my dad, I figured he had sent that earlier;

"Lotus flower, I left some chinese rice for you in the microwave, just heat it up. I will be home soon enough. I love you"

My pops always went out of his way to care for me

The other from an unknown number which I figured to be Daniel after reading it;

"Cali, my dad decided to stay home to spend some bonding time with me today, I'm sorry I missed our video call" Xoxo Danny

"Ohhh" I said after reading the text from Daniel. I had a very genuine smile on my face.

I'd rate my jumping into stupid conclusions game an eleven over ten. I was extremely happy that he hadn't ignored me and that he still wanted to be my friend

And no, I didn't like Daniel like that.

Anyone would have to be in my shoes too really understand having one friend that you could trust was everything. I slept with a temporary smile on face thinking that maybe things were starting to fall into place.

But what was unknown to me was that- things were still yet to fall apart.

My world truly started crashing down the next day