I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 11

Song: Billie Ellish, "Ocean eyes"

In the car, we were enveloped in darkness. He was so close, I had to resist the urge to reach out and touch him. My heart was thumping, and it felt so loud, I was afraid he would hear it. I shook myself and put the keys into the ignition. Before I had a chance to start the engine, he touched my arm.

"Sai, just wait.... I.... I have something to tell you."

I looked down and saw his hand was still there. He pulled it back and folded it into his lap. He looked straight ahead, seemingly intent on not looking at me. I let go of the key.

"Ok, go ahead."

I could hear him breathing fast. What did he have to tell me that was so stressful? The first thing that came to mind was that he had someone in his life. We had purposely stayed away from talking about relationships, both past and present. Maybe it was better to clear the air before we spent more time together. That thought depressed me. He was rubbing his hands together, and without thinking, I reached out and grabbed one of them. I used to do that for him when he got nervous, it's funny how old habits come back. He looked at me in surprise.

"It's ok my Zon, you can tell me anything. This hasn't changed, you can trust me."

He looked away from me again but left his hand in mine.

"Sai... Back then, I hadn't realized quite yet that I was..." He took a deep breath. "That I was gay."

He paused and his hand clenched mine. I just waited.

"It took me some time to understand myself and eventually come out. My family and my friends know. I just didn't want to hide it from you. It's ... It's ok if it makes you uncomfortable. If you don't want to hang out again, I'll understand."

He tried to take his hand back but I held tight.

"Thank you for telling me, Zon. I am glad you did. As a queer man, I understand how hard it was for you to tell me. I would never be uncomfortable around you."

He suddenly turned towards me. Startled, I let go of his hand. He looked astonished.

"WHAT????? You're GAY???"

"What do you mean "WHAT"? I'm not gay, I'm bisexual. I came out when I was a teenager and I was out at uni. Wait ..... you ..."

"Yeah, I didn't know. You never said anything."

"oh..."

We both sat in silence for a while. I would have liked to know his thoughts, but I didn't want to pry. All this time, I thought I made him uncomfortable; when in fact, he was struggling to figure out his sexuality. I could have kicked myself. How did I not see that? I should have known better. What did he think of me back then? I sighed. Tor might be right after all, I am a dumbass.

"Zon, Are you ok?"

"Yes, It's just ... Well, I prepared myself to come out, I didn't expect you would too."

"It's ok. You don't have to do or say anything right now. I'm happy you trusted me, and I'm sorry I wasn't straightforward in the past. I didn't think I had too, pretty much everyone knew on campus. I apologize, I wasn't trying to mislead you."

"I know, I never thought you did. Thank you for telling me now."

"Let me get you home. We can continue talk about it later, ok?"

"Yes, ok."

He looked mildly shocked and as if he needed time to think. I preferred not to let him drive in this state. The ride back was quiet. Before he got out of the car, he turned to look at me,

"Thank you for having dinner with me and for the ride. I'm really glad we talked. I think it was long overdue. I'll talk to you later this week. Good night, Sai."

"Good night, Zon."

He smiled wide enough for his dimples to show, waved and walked into his building. I didn't know what to think. It seems we misunderstood a lot about each other. I started to feel a little dazed myself. What did this mean now? He's gay, but is he single? Can I flirt with him? Would he like it? It had felt like we could have been more than friends back then, before that damn concert. I had wanted to kiss him so badly that night. Would he have welcomed it? Would he now? Should I ask him out? I wanted to. Would he like that? My mind was running around in circles and it took me forever to fall asleep. I couldn't stop thinking about him and kissing those damn dimples...