I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 28

Song: Alexi Murdoch, "Orange Sky"

OH NO!! My heart broke for him. I couldn't help crying for the boy he used to be, the boy who got hurt so badly by someone who should have cared for him. I had no idea. How could I not even have asked? For the second time, I internally chastised my younger self-absorbed self. I had whined about such insignificant things and Saifah had been there for me, but I hadn't really returned the favour.

"Oh Sai, I'm so sorry you had such a hard time when you came out. I'm so thankful you and your mom got away from him. I'm glad he's not in your life any longer but it must be hard."

"It's ok."

He paused, looked thoughtful, then smiled tentatively.

"I'm glad I told you, though."

"Thank you for trusting me. Do you want to talk about it more?"

"No... I...no. maybe later, but not today. It's not something I like to talk about very much."

"I understand. I'm here for you and will listen if you ever need to talk, ok?"

"Ok."

I nuzzled his neck and settled my head on his chest. We just cuddled for a while, both of us in need of physical closeness and comfort.

As I lay in his arms, I thought about the past and realized that his slightly arrogant demeanour and overly friendly behaviour were likely defence mechanisms, facades behind which he hid. He had been acquainted with many people, but in fact very few of them really knew him. He had kept people at a distance, probably because of what he had just told me. Unfortunately, when he started to let me in, I'd broken his heart. I wasn't very proud of my younger self, but it was pointless to brood over the past. Instead, I decided to concentrate on the future and love him as attentively as I could. I wanted to fill his life with light so that the shadows of his past would recede. I lifted my head to kiss him and was happy to see him smile.

"Would you like to change our plans. I'm happy to do this all day if you'd prefer."

"No, the day is too beautiful to stay inside, we can go get your stuff, spend some time at the market and then come back here to cook. Unless you'd prefer doing it at your place?"

"It doesn't matter to me, but you might object when you see my kitchen. I'm a utilitarian cook so it only contains the bare necessities."

We both chuckled at my comment.

"How about we decide later on. We live close enough to each other, so it's easy to do so."

"Sounds good."

He kissed my nose and started to wriggle around so I'd get up. I pretended not to understand. He wrestled with me for a bit until we were both laughing like schoolboys. We eventually sat up, and I finished my coffee while he got ready.

I felt a little nervous about taking him to my place. I was worried it would appear a bit soulless compared to his apartment. As soon as we got in, his eyes went to the guitar on its stand beside the couch. He looked intently at me and smiled.

"So, you still have it?"

"Of course, I do. I told you I kept on playing."

He had recognized it, of course. After all, I wheedled him into helping me pick it. My heart started racing as I remembered how excited I was that day. We even watched a movie. It had felt very much like a date. Retrospectively, I couldn't fathom how I could have been so blind about us. I really had been an innocent simpleton. I realized he was still staring at me, heat in his eyes now. He stepped forward and brushed his lips against mine.

"I remember that day too, my Zon."

Blushing, I took a step back and dashed to the bedroom while he stood there, watching me with his typical smirk. I hated that he still managed to fluster me like this. I wanted to both kick him and climb him like a tree... urrrrrghhh. Retreat was a better option, and as I walked away, I told him over my shoulder to make himself at home.

Once in my room, I had to take a few deep breaths against the closed door before I was able to think straight.