I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 36

Song: Sarah McLachlan, "Hold on"

I can't believe I almost lost it over laundry. I managed to control myself enough so that he didn't seem to notice. I really thought I had gotten better. I wasn't expecting the fear to resurface out of the blue and blindside me like this. I got triggered a few times while I was with him, but just mildly. This time hit hard, maybe I should...

Never mind.

I won't let this happen. I'm fine. Just don't think about it. Just don't go there, Zon...

With some effort and making sure my breathing was still under control, I turned my attention back to him. He had taken my hand in his as he drove me to work, and the simple gesture made my romantic teenage self squeal in delight. I snuck glances at his handsome face. His aviator sunglasses and his classy work outfit was a swoon-worthy combination. The ride was far too short for my liking. He stopped around the corner from my building and brought my hand to his lips before letting go.

"My Zon, I want to kiss you, but It would be uncomfortable for you if any of your coworkers saw us, and I wouldn't want that. Just know that I would if I could."

He smiled at me and looked so dashing I couldn't resist. I leaned in quickly, and before he could realize my intention, I had my arms around his neck and was kissing him soundly. I felt his hands on my waist, squeezing. Hmmmm... Such a good start of my work day. I pulled back reluctantly.

"Sai, I'm out at work, and my coworkers all know. I wouldn't be comfortable kissing you in front of my building because clients could be passing by, but here, in a smaller street, it's ok..."

We smiled at each other like a couple of fools. He caressed my cheek with his thumb. Seeing the time, I grabbed my satchel, gave him one last peck and opened the door.

"Have a great day. Thank you for the ride and for making me lunch."

"Have a great day too, my Zon. You're welcome. I'll talk to you tonight."

"Ok. Drive safely. Bye!"

"Bye."

I had to force myself to walk away. It was hard to resist the urge to go back into the car, rip his clothes off and have my way with him again. WAIT,WHAT!!! ZON!!! Where is this coming from??? You haven't been this... well... this keen, especially since...

Stop thinking, Zon... Good...

Distracting myself from the intrusive thoughts, I remembered how good he looked this morning. Hmmm!!! Really, Zon? You want to arrive at work all... err... riled up? Stop being silly and concentrate on the day.

Thankfully, I'd reached the office and was instantly distracted by the millions of tasks I had to take care of. At lunchtime, I still had so much to do, I warmed the food he'd prepared for me and went back to my desk, eating as I read over a proposal due at the end of the day. My phone pinged.

— (Saifah) can't get your butt outta my mind... watching you walk away made my day.

Errr... what? Wait! What? How? ... How... How do I answer this? What does he mean? That he likes my ... err? But why?? I have never sent this type of texts... errr... Oh dear!!

What I told him in the morning came back to me. Zon!!!! What had gotten into you to say such a thing? Urrrgh!! That was so shameless. Thankfully, he didn't seem to mind, but maybe he thought I was used to that kind of ...err... banter.

I was never allowed to...

Memories suddenly flashed back. Memories of anger hurled at me. Thankfully, I was snapped out of them by the sound of my phone hitting the floor.

Breathe... Breathe... Good.

I rested back on my chair, closing my eyes for a moment. Why was this happening? It had been so long. Why was the anxiety back? I should call Dr. M or Zol... or both. Urghhh.... I bent down to grab my phone and absentmindedly answered Saifah's txt.

— (Zon) errr... ok.