I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 42

Song: Alexi Murdoch, "Breathe"

Saifah doesn't have a lot of experience being in relationships??? What?? How? Back in school, he was always so popular and often had dates. Hmmmm, wait... they never seemed that serious, and it was never the same person twice. After we started practicing for the show —wait!!! I'm such a fool!!! — He stopped dating when we were hanging out. That means... there was just me then... just me...

And I remember now, after we lost touch, in the snippets about him I heard from Tor, he was always single. He said he had a hard time trusting and connecting with people because of how he grew up. That makes sense, it would make being romantically involved with someone more difficult. Oh, that must have been lonely...

But why did he want to be with someone like me? I ran away from him, this amazing person, to end up with a terrible one whom I was too weak to leave. Maybe that was what I deserved for being such a jerk...

Wait, shit... I'm doing it again. Zon, stop it!!! Stop it right now!!!

You spent the last week in a downward spiral of self-pity. Is that what you want, wallowing in misery? Is this the way things should go? Will you give up while he is here in front of you, offering understanding and support and opening up to you? Are you going to walk away from that? From him? You have a choice to make. You can continue sinking down in this gloomy pit, and self-sabotage or you can stop and pick yourself up. What happened to the determination you showed the day you stepped into his office? What happened to "This time, I won't let him go"?

I was so happy meeting him again, and things between us fell into place so easily. In the three years since I broke up with my ex, I had not gone on a single date or been interested in anyone I met. It's like part of me had shut down. But I remember how excited I was when I saw his name in my calendar, and how, as the meeting drew near, I barely slept. I held on to those thoughts and realized that,

I don't want to let go,

I don't want to walk away, and

I don't want to be swallowed by regret and dejection.

I want to try.

But in order to do that, I have to face some truths. I have to admit that I haven't fully dealt with what happened and that it still affects me. I also need to see my shrink again. Ooof... this is going to be hard but... but he's worth it. And I'm not sure why, but he seems to think I am too... so perhaps I owe it to myself.

When he said that he missed me and had been miserable, I was ridiculously happy to hear it because I felt the same way. He also hoped to be with me whenever possible which I would like very much. But the most mind-boggling was that he wanted to figure things out together. Together... with me? No one had ever encouraged me to contribute actively before. It was so gratifying and exciting to discover he did.

I suddenly realized something. I wasn't sure when, why or how it happened, but I trusted him.

I trusted his words even though I didn't believe them quite yet.

When he said that he'd rather be tired with me than alone, if I hadn't already, I would have irremediably fallen ass over ears in love with him. His sweetness stunned me. I still couldn't understand why he liked me or stuck around and was willing to deal with all my baggage. I didn't get it, but I cared less and less about that and more and more about the fact that he was actually here for me.

So what now, huh?

He was looking at me with a mix of hope and apprehension, and my heart went out to him. I still had things to settle and resolve, which would take time, but I felt hopeful. His words and his trust had ripped through the shroud of negativity wrapped around me, enabling me to pull free. This was just the beginning, but that sliver of optimism motivated me and lifted my spirits at last.

Feeling much more cheerful than I had all week and thankful for his encouragement, I literally leaped at him, bowled him to the ground and kissed him. After a while, I stopped and looked straight at him.

"Thank you, Sai."

He just wrapped me in his arms in response and held me tight. I let out a big sigh, finally able to relax and be with him, recapturing what I had lost.

We walked along the shore, letting the waves brush against our feet, enjoying the breeze and the sun. We did not talk very much, but this time, the silence was comfortable. He had taken my hand to help me up and had not let go since. It felt good.

"Zon, are you hungry?"

I hadn't eaten well all week and I was ravenous now that I was less anxious.

"Actually yes, I'm starving."

"That's great. It's almost time to go. I think you're going to like this place. I've known the owners since I was a kid. It's tiny but got some great reviews a few years ago and now they have a waiting list. Their food feels like home to me, even more so than my mom's."

He was babbling, still slightly awkward. I enjoyed hearing more about his life. He had always been so reserved, I knew he was making an effort to share more. I smiled at him, touched. I threaded my fingers with his, feeling his gaze on me.

"I can't wait to meet them and try the food after such a recommendation. I'm quite glad to date a person with such connections."

He stopped to stare at me in surprise and burst out laughing, dispelling the last of the uneasiness that had been lingering between us. We went back to pick up our bags, and walk back to the car as he rambled on excitedly and I watched him gratefully.