I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 39

Song: 10,000 Maniacs "Trouble me"

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I saw him walk through the door of his building. I had to work hard to erase the shock that was likely all over my face. He looked terrible. I was sure he had lost some weight. His face was gaunt and pale. I wanted to hug him and chastise him at the same time, but one look at his expression confirmed that it wouldn't a good idea. What the heck is going on, Zon!

Instead, I said hello and pretended I didn't see anything wrong with him. The ride to the beach was morose and mostly silent. I commented sporadically on some of the features we passed. Each time the conversation tapered off. He had an air of remoteness that scared me, as if he'd disappear if I looked away too long.

We finally arrived at our destination, and I parked the car. I got out, grabbed my bag and waited for him. Without giving him a chance to balk, I gently took his hand and smiled at him.

"I missed you. Come on, the place I want to show you is farther away... hold on to me, the rocks are slippery, and it can be treacherous when you're not used to it. I have scraped knees to prove it."

He didn't resist when I led him to the rocky outcrop down the beach. We walked in silence. I helped him navigate the rocks, catching him a couple of times and being rewarded with the first genuine smile since I picked him up. The exercise and the fresh air seemed to do him good. His face had more colour, and he was visibly more relaxed. Before taking him to the small secluded beach that was my refuge as a child, I decided to go to the highest point. When we arrived at the top, he was huffing and sweating. I could see the tension leave his body and felt hopeful. I let go of his hand and almost laughed to see him pout. He didn't seem to realize I caught him.

Happy to feel the wind on my face, I stretched, reaching for the sun. He looked at me for a moment and did the same. As I have always done here, I brought my hands together in front of my mouth, like a megaphone and let out the loudest scream I could muster. "ooooyyyyyyeee!!!" Startled, he looked at me as if I was a madman.

"Come on, Zon. Try it!!"

He looked at me with his head tilted to the side, smiled, turned back to the sea and joined me. We did this for a few minutes until we were hoarse and laughing. I sighed, held his hand again and started down the rough hill, guiding him carefully. When we made it to the sand, I stopped to take off my shoes. I walked ahead, letting him do the same and catch up if he wanted to. I looked for my favourite spot, a shaded recess near a few old trees. I took out a towel from my bag as well as a couple water bottles and some snacks. He looked like he barely ate all week and had survived on coffee. I hoped he would eat. I sat down and waited.

He slowly made is way across the beach, taking in the beautiful view. I could see that some of his initial wariness was back. He pulled his towel out and spread it beside mine before sitting down. I gave him a drink and food. He thanked me and drank some water, but the snacks lay untouched. I sighed. As a child, I was convinced this place held magic. Every time I'd been hurt, sad or scared, I'd come here. Every time, I'd left feeling better. Life was simpler then. Now, I knew bringing him here wasn't enough. I had to talk and let him see the scars I wore. I didn't know what else to do.

I lay down with my arms under my head and started talking. I said we used to live close by and that this place was my sanctuary. I explained what really happened to me, all the sordid details. I told him about the physical abuse and how it worsened after I came out. I shared my wounds, both mental and physical. I talked about how hard it had been to get close to other people, to trust anyone. I spoke of years of therapy, of feeling broken and ashamed. I kept going. I emphasized that it was the first time anyone else besides my therapist had heard my story. I mentioned how I struggled to feel worthy, how I still had nightmares sometimes when I was stressed. I revealed myself completely. It was the hardest and the scariest thing that I had ever done.

I had no idea if that would reach him,

If that would help him,

If he was going to start trusting me.

Eventually, there was nothing left to say.