I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 53

song: Ben&ben, "Ride Home"

After such a comment my mind wandered off into a steamy fantasy, concentrating was almost beyond me, but Zon's pensive expression brought me back to reality. Now was not the time.

"How about you start at the beginning? Did anything happen while you were out with your mom?"

"Ah... yes, kinda. She was worried and said something that fired me up."

Following the beat of the rain, and with the verbal equivalent of rapid-fire, he explained what went on; he stopped abruptly, his mood obviously shifting, and looked at me.

"I... this... this was the first time I said this... I said that it wasn't my fault. And... and I believed it too."

His eyes were full of concern while surprise and uncertainty flashed across his face, as if he still couldn't quite trust himself. I reached for his hand. "That was well done, baby." I kissed his palm, smiling against it; the small gesture broke the dam he'd built so meticulously, letting his story pour out. All of it.

Hearing what happened was harder than I expected. As I listened, I was almost overcome by a searing, white hot rage; if his ex had been in front of me at that moment, I would have beaten him to a pulp. I was shocked into regaining control when it dawned on me that it was what my father would have done. With some effort, I tamped down my emotions, which was especially important now that I was aware of Zon's past with someone who had used his as a weapon.

"Zon, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm impressed that you're doing so well, baby."

Maintaining a neutral expression and tone, I kept the anger at bay; I never wanted him to be afraid of me and silently vowed to be happy with him and eclipse those memories by creating new and wonderful ones.

"But, it doesn't feel like i'm doing that well, you know. Even though I'm a bit more confident, I still panic over nothing and I can't control it."

"It's ok, i'm sure you'll get there. You just need time,"

"Yeah, I guess. It feels so slow and..." He paused and smiled, blinding me. "even though it was a small thing, for some reason, I couldn't wait to talk about it with you."

He had no idea how lovely it was to hear this, and how affecting his words were; my throat tightened and my eyes stung.

"I'm glad you did. I'm always happy to listen."

"Thanks, but...you know... sometimes... I feel like I'm just a pain, and that you're going to get sick of all this."

My heart sank. How could he think he wasn't worthy of my time and care? How could he still doubt that I fell in love with all of him? How could I make sure he understood that what he perceived as flaws endeared him to me even more? I pulled him into a hug so tight I heard him gasp.

"Zon, I'll repeat this until you believe me. I want to share everything with you, the good and the bad, all of it. It will NEVER be a burden for me."

As he snuggled closer I heard a muffled and choked up "Thank you." He stayed in my arms until we both grew uncomfortable with our awkward position. Meanwhile, the patter of the rain had slowed down enough for us to drive home; I couldn't wait to spend the rest of the day cuddled up to him, in need of closeness after such an emotionally draining day.

Once we put everything away, we picked a couple of chill movies and settled on the couch. I relaxed when he curled up against me, laid his head on my lap, and like a contented cat, fell asleep. I gently caressed his hair as my thoughts, drifting back to his story, rolled around like dark tumbleweeds. Negativity feeds on itself, I know that, but for the first time in a really long time, I wasn't able to stop it from happening. If only I had been braver all these years ago, he wouldn't have suffered; maybe Zol was right, and it was my fault.

After a while, he stirred and stretched.

"Sai, what time is it? Is it time for bed yet?"

"Hmm.. yeah, soon. The movie is almost done, you can go ahead."

"No, I don't want to go to bed without you."

His mildly whiny tone made me smile; I kissed his nose as he wrapped himself in my arms and held onto my hand. The gloom that had enveloped me receded.