I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 41

Song: Safeplanet, "ลอง"

For fucking fuck's sake, Saifah, you are such a bonehead. HOW COULD YOU NOT RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS!!!! Crap!! This makes so much more sense now. The weird moments when he seemed to freeze or go from bold to really insecure in a second flat. What a pair we make! Well, I'm too in love with him not to try and the fact that I understand what he's going through should help. There has to be more to this, but he doesn't seem ready to give more details so I shouldn't push.

Oh, but I wish we hadn't lost touch. I was aware that looking back was unproductive, but I couldn't help myself. What if I hadn't been a coward 5 years ago? What if I had stuck by him? Maybe he wouldn't have gone through this pain. ARRRGHH!!! I sighed. Feeling guilty led nowhere. My immature 20-year-old self wasn't the cause of this. Instead of this useless thinking, I should concentrate on what I needed to do to make him feel safe. I held him tighter, willing him to let me in and trust me.

"Zon, it's ok. I have only been in a couple of relationships, and they didn't last long. I don't really have a lot of experience either. We promised to be honest with each other. We just have to keep doing this and figure it out together. Do you think we can try?"

I waited for him to think, hopeful that we could find a path forward. Falling in love was the easy part. The challenge was to live it every day. Communication and trust had to be built slowly and carefully to nurture that connection.

"I'm not sure....Bbut... but... I'd like to try. I don't really know how, though."

I exhaled slowly, unaware I'd been holding my breath.

"That's ok, me neither, but I am sure we'll find a way."

He moved around to nuzzle my neck, "Ok" And for the first time today he kissed me. I held his face in my hands, thanking this place for helping me. When he put his head back on my chest, I felt lighter.

Lulled by the sound of the ocean, we fell asleep, more at peace than either of us had been all week. After a while, the heat woke me up, and I realized we were not in the shade anymore. My tiny love was still sound asleep. He was exhausted, and I would have preferred not to disturb him, but he'd burn to a crisp if we didn't move. I gently tickled his nose.

"Zon, baby... you need to wake up."

He slowly opened his eyes, disoriented. I caressed his cheek with my thumb and kissed him.

"I'm sorry, I would have let you sleep some more, but the sun is getting stronger, and it would be bad."

I got up and offered him my hand. Still half asleep, he stood there, watching me pick up our towels and bags and relocate everything under the trees. We sat back down, and I dug up the sunscreen.

"Here, let me put some of this on you."

He nodded, still slightly out of it, looking adorable. I made sure he was slathered in sunblock, then took care of myself. I asked him if he wanted to swim, but he shook his head. He looked at me with big eyes and a slightly worried expression on his face.

"Sai... I... you... do you..."

I took his hand and kissed his knuckles.

"My Zon, as I told you before, my time belongs to you, and so do I. Now, what's up?"

With restored determination, and a furrowed brow, he went on. "I missed you and... and I want to cuddle." His attitude turned to tentativeness as soon as the words came out of his mouth. "I mean... if you want to...it's ok if you'd prefer to swim..." How could he be so freaking cute? I wanted to do more than that but... no... better not. He'd asked for snuggles, and that's precisely what he would get because there was nothing I'd rather do right now than indulge his every whim.

"Yes, I'd like that very much. I missed you too, quite dreadfully actually. I don't want to be apart from you more than necessary from now on."

He looked up at me in surprise.

"But, you're so busy and you have to rest and you need time for yourself. You don't have to say that."

"Zon, I'm saying it because it's the truth. I like spending time with you and this week without you was miserable. I know it won't always be practical, but I'd rather be tired with you than rested by myself."

He was looking at me with eyes the size of saucers. I had a moment of doubt, perhaps that was the wrong thing to say...

All doubt evaporated when he launched himself at me, toppling me in the process and started kissing my face. I couldn't help laugh as I tried, not very hard, to evade the attack.