I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 38

Song: Billie Ellish "I love you"

How could I have sent those crummy messages??? I didn't even realize what I was writing, and now it's too late. Crap!! Crap!! Crap!!!

Right after the first text I received from Saifah, my boss told me that our deadline changed for another project, and the clients needed it the next day. Well... there went my evening and my night. I went back to work right away and spent the next 14 hrs with my team getting things ready. As a result, I had to work extra hours the rest of the week to ensure all my other projects stayed on track.

My heightened anxiety, the lack of sleep and the stress were not a great combination. That's what made it harder for me to communicate with Saifah. Our interactions became weird, and I was too tired and too insecure to deal with it. I worried that I offended him with my terribly gruff messages, and I was scared to have it confirmed. If he was angry with me, I could not handle it in my current state. So I dodged his offers to talk on the phone, well except once, when I picked up by mistake while waiting for a coworker's call. It was so bad. He was nice, but I could feel the strain in his voice. I made up an excuse and got off the call as quickly as I could. I knew I should have just talked to him, but for some reason, I couldn't. I felt absolutely miserable.

Oh, why was I such a dunce??!! I was doing it again, I was hiding. I didn't know what else to do. Why did I shut him out? It was not fair to him, but I couldn't figure out how to undo this mess. What should I do? I wish Zol was in town. Unfortunately, she was on some mini reading tour, and I couldn't really call her.

I wasn't brave enough to speak to him, because I would have to explain what happened to me. He would either pity me or, worse, think I was a fool for putting myself in such a situation. I was so ashamed of it all, how could I show that to him? My mind was stuck on a merry-go-round I wasn't able to stop.

I was astonished when he sent me this message near the end of the week.

— (Saifah) I thought it'd be nice to do something special on Saturday, so I reserved a table at this super exclusive place owned by a friend of my mom's (I'm lucky they like me !!!). Their food is fantastic, and it's near one of my favourite spots. I'll pick you up around 9:00, so we have time to enjoy the beach before lunch. 😊

What did this mean? He still wanted to go, even after I wigged out on him all week? He couldn't be oblivious to how strangely I behaved. He was too perceptive for that. Wasn't he angry? Why would he not be? Perhaps he wanted to be in a place where there couldn't be any drama to tell me he was done? That must be it. I couldn't blame him. Who would want to be with someone like me? Someone who was still so broken. Who could put up with this?

I was at home, wishing I could be with him, cuddling, talking about the day and my crazy week. I yearned for him so dreadfully, I felt absolutely wretched. I sat on the couch, looking at his message on my phone. I wanted to go and pretend he was taking me there for real. I wanted to spend time with him before the inevitable. Maybe I could have that last day with him. I knew from the start that something would happen. I should have held back.

Alright Zon, it's time to let him go, might as well get it over with. He will be able to meet someone worthy, someone who will make him happy. You will just go back to life before him. You did it once, you can do it again. The future suddenly looked horribly depressing and empty. Chasing the dreary thoughts away. I picked up my phone and texted him back.

— (Zon) That sounds great. I'll be ready. See you then.

I couldn't quite bring myself to write more or add an emoji. I was drained. I got ready for bed, knowing full well that sleep would elude me.

The next couple of days felt endless. I got up that Saturday, feeling listless. I got ready quickly, not caring about what I wore. I tried to eat something but stopped after half a piece of toast. I sat on the couch drinking coffee, waiting for him.

— (Saifah) I'm downstairs. Are you ready?

—(Zon) Yes. Be down in a sec.

I grabbed my sunglasses, my bag, and plastered a smile on my face before walking to my doom.