I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 54

song: My Life As Ali Thomas, "Baby, I love you"

The day had been gratifying but exhausting; a fact I only realized when I put my head down on Saifah's lap. I felt cozy, safe, and above all, relieved that I finally told someone everything. I sunk into him some more and enveloped by his scent and warmth, promptly fell asleep.

I came to after a while, and once the movie ended, he wriggled gently to get me off and head to bed. With an unusual lack of self-consciousness, I whined and wheedled, needily refusing to get up without more kisses and cuddles; It was such a new experience to ask for attention so freely, and without fear of being rebuffed that I felt exhilarated.

"Come on Zon, let's go to bed. It'll be more comfortable. I promise you'll get more snuggles."

I couldn't resist such an offer and dashed up while his laugh followed me, teasing me and my eagerness; I didn't care about being obvious anymore and happily chuckled along with him. We eventually settled under the blankets. Comfortable and cozy as I glued myself to him, I was completely relaxed when sleep overcame me.

I was awakened a few hours later by his restless movements and groans. As he was growing more agitated, I turned on the side light and gently shook his shoulder.

"Sai, wake up."

I was caressing his cheek when he finally opened his eyes, mildly panicky.

"It's ok, you were just having a nightmare."

He blinked owlishly, still trying to get his bearings. I huddled back against him and held his hand, unsure about what else to do.

"I'm sorry, I woke you, Zon."

"It's ok, don't worry about it. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

He shook his head. "No, this is all I need." He intertwined our fingers and sighed; slowly, the tension left his body.

"Sai... was it because of today? You said this happens sometimes when you're stressed."

"Hmmm... I don't know, maybe. I can't remember the dream."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize how stressful everything must have been for you."

"It wasn't, truly. I like your family and they were nice to me."

"Then..." I felt compelled to ask. "... what else?"

He let out a heavy sigh and squeezed my hand, clearly hesitant. He answered before I had a chance to change the subject.

"I think... it's because of your story."

"Oh, no!!! I'm so sorry!! I shouldn't have said anything."

I hated that it had hurt him and started to scramble up when he stopped me.

"Let me finish before overthinking, ok?"

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gently brought me back against his chest, holding me tight and with purpose.

"Baby, hearing what that asshole did to you made me very very angry. And...i hate myself for feeling that way... anger is something that I inherited from my dad. I don't want to become like him and I don't want you to be scared of me."

I reached out to caress his face, unsure about what to say to try and soothe his mind.

"I don't think I could ever be scared of you, Sai. Displays of anger make me anxious, but It's not healthy to bottle up those feelings, you know that."

"But what if I can't control it? What if I hurt you?"

I could hear such anguish in his voice that it broke my heart.

"All we can do is be honest, both of us, and figure it out together. You got to allow yourself to be angry when you need to, ok?"

".....ok... I.... just really wish I'd been braver back then, and maybe if I had, you wouldn't have met that fucking asswipe."

"Oh what a dingdong thing to think!!!" I freed my hand to poke his ribs. "None of us are responsible for any of this. So don't you start blaming yourself too, or I'm the one who's gonna be mad!!"

He smiled. "So feisty. I really love that about you." I flicked his nose as revenge for his teasing, relieved that his mood had lightened a bit. I draped half of my body over him, kissed him and went back to sleep while he played with my hair.