I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 55

song: Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, "Home"

How could I have told him all of this? It's so... shameful. No one, except the shrink I saw as a teenager, knows any of this and only because I had so much anger bottled up back then that it scared me. Urges to use violence were so strong, I worried I'd hurt those closest to me and ended up breaking down during one of our sessions. After that, we had numerous talks about expressing strong emotions in a healthier way and without letting them take over.

Thankfully, my need to protect the people around me drove me. It had been terrifyingly hard work, but over time, I succeeded. It became easier as i grew up, and there had hardly been times when I'd needed to exert myself. However, It could have been because I'd kept people at a distance, but with Zon, there was no distance. The sole idea of what he went through was enough to tear me apart and lose restraint. All I could think about was retribution. It wasn't good.

I forced myself to run through the thought interruption exercises I'd learned almost two decades ago, feeling rusty. My tiny love had fallen back asleep, and the feeling of his weight on my body, of his soft breathing against my chest and of his hair under my hand was surprisingly helpful to calm me down. He was my new heaven, my peace. Finally, I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off, relishing the fact that he nestled closer, as if instinctively sensing my need for comfort.

I woke up alone in bed, feeling disoriented.

Did he leave? Panic tore through me. He wouldn't have left because of this discussion, right? I dashed off the bed, heading for the door ready to shout his name when I suddenly heard loud swearing and clunking coming from the kitchen. Oh no, it was worse... he was cooking!!!

"Son of a bucket, that freakin' hurt ... HOLY CRAP!! AAAH!!"

I ran out of the bedroom at full speed, expecting some minor scrape. To say I wasn't ready for the scene that greeted me was the understatement of the year. Taking in the disaster zone that was my kitchen stopped me in my tracks, gaping. Dirty bowls and pots were strewn haphazardly everywhere, half peeled vegetables laying around on the counter, an overflowing pot and a flaming wok. A FLAMING WOK??? Oh dear! I took three deep breaths; there was no point panicking, it would just make it worse.

"Baby, It's ok, the oil on the outside of the wok just caught fire, no big deal."

Trying to look poised, I turned off the gas and spread baking soda over the stove, exhaling the breath I'd been holding. One crisis averted, I looked at his burnt hand and gently guided him to the sink before getting the first aid kit I'd bought after the first time he'd try cooking for me and nearly chopped off his finger.

"Zon, keep your hand under the water for at least 3 minutes."

"Err... ok. Sorry. I was trying to cook breakfast for you but... well..."

His face was covered in smudges, his hair was standing up in all directions and he looked so discomposed about this fiery display of cooking pyrotechnics that I just couldn't hold back and started to laugh. Huffy at first, he eventually joined as he looked at the mayhem surrounding us, the absurdity of the situation evident. We ended up on the floor with tears in our eyes and sore abs. When we finally calmed down, I bandaged his hand.

"I'm sorry Sai, I didn't plan on making such a mess. I just wanted to cheer you up."

"Well, you definitely did that." I could feel laughter bubbling back as I looked at the pot. "Zon? You know... I own a rice cooker..."

His discomfited expression was too much for me and I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from rising.

"Are you serious?? Oh crap!!"

We both looked at the gooey mess of overcooked rice covering the stove and dissolved into laughter again. I could barely stand and doubled over every time I looked at him.  I hadn't laughed this hard in a really long time. It took a while for both of us to calm down and clean everything, but we eventually sat down to eat food he'd eventually ordered.

As I stood up to grab some missing cutlery, I stopped to kiss his temple. "Thank you for cooking, baby." This got me smack on the rear. "Jerk, stop making fun of me." I smiled like a fool, feeling a thousand times better than the night before, my gloomy mood completely dissipated