I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 51

song: Banda Neira "Yang patah tumbuh"

A loaded silence descended on the kitchen, the warm breeze from the open window brushing over my skin as my hands worked under the stream of water. Cicadas hummed in the background when Zol set a hip against the counter, holding the last few straggling dishes. I could feel her gaze boring through me and turned to face her.

"Would you like me to wash these?"

"Why are you back in his life?" She met my eyes, defiantly.

The buzz of the insects stopped as abruptly as my hands tightened around the washcloth. I closed my eyes, counting to ten while I strived calm. Breathe in... Breathe out... matching the slow pattern of the tall grass undulating with the wind outside. I turned off the tap and sighed, bracing myself.

"Why is it any of your business and what's this really about, Zol? You've been bent out of shape since we got here."

"Stop pretending nothing happened. Because of you he's lived through the worst times."

Her expression turned mulish, very much akin to her brother in a temper. Dear heavens, I didn't need two of them. I sighed.

"What happened wasn't entirely my fault now, was it?"

"What do you mean, exactly?" Her eyes flashed with anger.

"Zol, I..."

She cut me off. "Was it my fault? Is that what you're trying to say?"

A hush fell over us, only disrupted by a sudden gust of wind that made her hair dance around her face, skimming tears. Nonplussed, I gently took the items from her hands and deposited them into the sink, irritation deflating like a soufflé.

"No, what I meant was that both Zon and I messed up. We behaved foolishly and we both got hurt. Why would that be your fault?"

"Because ..." Her voice broke. "Because I wrote that silly story and told him about it. if I hadn't, he wouldn't have met you or... him."

Ah, yes. I'd wondered about that too, during my most petty moments, when it had been easier to blame a nosy little sister instead of my own immaturity.

"It wouldn't have mattered, I would have met him anyway."

She raised her eyes towards me, still a little emotional but showing curiosity now, bringing a small smile to my lips. The wind was picking up, carrying the smell of rain and reminding me of our unfinished work. I turned the water back on and told her to dry, both of us settling into a quiet rhythm, punctuated only by various soft clinks.

"Here's the last one." I paused briefly, drying my hands. "I've always liked him, you know, even before your story or the concert, so it wouldn't have mattered."

"You did??" She briefly looked like the bubbly girl I remembered.

"Yeah. And you know what, I thought I was playing it cool and I knew everything about him, but in reality, I didn't. It's always easier to see clearly after the fact."

"But if i hadn't told him, then maybe you'd have been together and he wouldn't..."

"Or things would have turned out the same. Or worse. It's futile to think that way, Zol."

She looked down, enveloped in a dark cloud of regret and self-reproach; she used her arms to hug herself.

"I... I just wanted him to know it was ok to be himself."

"And that's wonderful you did, Zol. Trust me, your acceptance means a lot and I'm sure your support helped him tremendously."

"Do... do you think so?"

"I know so."

I reached out to pat her shoulder, trying to comfort her. Figuring yourself out is always confusing and scary and what happened wasn't anyone's fault; It was just a combination of fears and unfortunate circumstances. I was surprised to realize that Zon and I hadn't been the only one affected by the fallback of that particular mess.

"Zol, I care for him a lot. I promise all I want is to make him happy. Please give me a chance, ok?"

She looked up at me with narrowed eyes, brows drawn together.

"Ok... but if you hurt him again I will draw and quarter you myself!!"

I chuckled and raised my hands in mock defence.

"Deal... I'm really not planning on ever being at risk anyway."