I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 34

Song: Death Cab for Cutie, "Where soul meets body"

I cuddled into him to go to sleep, enjoying the closeness and the warmth. I wasn't sleepy yet, and what he told me rolled around in my mind. I was still skeptical. He said I was ... I was...kinda.. the best??? He seemed genuine when he said it. Maybe he hasn't had a lot of experience and wouldn't know. Wait.... this is Saifah! Of course, he's had plenty of experience. Hmmm... I don't actually want to know.

Still, I don't get it. I didn't do anything that great. It makes sense that it was the best experience for me, but how was it the same for him? And he wanted to do it again, and other things too. He wanted to know what I was curious about or wished to try. No one has ever asked me that before. I didn't even think that I could. I have not been with many people, so maybe that's why. URGHH.. I don't want to think about the past right now, especially... Stop!! I'm too happy to think about this, so stop it, Zon!!

Still, I had no idea I could share. I really enjoyed it. It was nice and... I really liked it when... ermm... well.... when he told me to be quiet. That was very exciting. Just thinking about it, I can feel my ears burning.

I had no idea I could do that. I mean, stand naked like that in front of him and order him around a little bit and ask for things. He didn't mind that I did or that I was tentative. He enjoyed it, and I ....ermmm... I could feel it. OH MY GOD, I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!!! ... well, technically, I haven't been a virgin for a while, because sex isn't just about penetration or being on top. But it was my first time actually err... fucking someone, and it feels like a big deal to me. AND IT WAS PHENOMENAL!!! He was phenomenal. I could feel everything and him and his kisses and his heartbeat and... I can't believe I got so overwhelmed that I cried. Argggh. I blame him!! He was so soft and gentle and beautiful and sexy... that got to me.

Oh dear... I'm so in love with him.

Oh...

Oh.

Oh.

I hope this is a good thing. I hope he'll grow to love me back. He already said he liked me, that's a good start. I have to be patient and give him time. I know it's not a given because I'm not really that great.

Oh, but I hope he will.

I hope... I hope... I hope...

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. It would be nicer if we could stay here one more day. Having responsibilities can be such a pain sometimes. Why do I sound like a silly teenager??? Hmm... I wish I could talk to someone about him. If I tell Zen, he'll rat me out to Zol, and if she knows, everyone knows. I'm not ready for that. I want to keep him to myself just a little longer. He's mine, and I don't have to share him with anyone or hear their comments and their advice or worse ... their worries about us. Let's not think about that. He's mine for now, and hopefully for a little while longer.

Before I had a chance to think about this more, a gentle hand came up to my head and started stroking my hair. It was delightful and instantly quieted my mind. I snuggled in closer and sighed contentedly. He whispered to me.

"Baby, I'll just stroke your head until you feel sleepy, ok?"

"Hmmm, I like that a lot. But I don't want to keep you up."

"Don't worry about it, taking care of you relaxes me. I'm sure I'll fall asleep with you."

I smiled and kissed his chest.

"You're so cheesy."

I could sense his grin, even in the darkness. "That's why you like me. Now, be quiet, it's time to sleep." The rhythm of his long fingers in my hair, of his breathing and of his heartbeat all combined to relax me. My eyes grew heavy, and just like that, I fell asleep.