I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 40

Song: My life as Ali Thomas "Winter's love"

I figured his upbringing had been awful from what he'd told me, but I hadn't realized exactly how awful until now. His spirit and his resilience were even more striking. Compared to his, my sad little story was pathetic, and so was I. He deserved better than a coward like me. I heard rustling beside me, which distracted me from my thoughts. He had brought his arms above his head, and I could see silent tears streaming down his face. It was like the icy fear paralyzing me melted away. I reached down and took his hand. I was still unsure how to proceed, but felt compelled to do something at last. He threaded our fingers together and held on as if to a lifeline.

We stayed like this for a long time. Me sitting, watching the surf come and go, him lying down, holding my hand. There was something about this place. He said he used to come here as a child, and it always helped him. I understood why. It radiated calm, quiet energy. I could imagine a tiny Saifah running around, swimming, and building sandcastles. This was his haven, where he brought me to uncover his deepest suffering. I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I dropped my head on my knees and started sobbing. I wasn't sure whether I was crying for him, for myself or for both of us.

After what felt like an eternity, I sensed a soft tug on my hand. "Come here, baby. It's ok." I lay down beside him, and he wrapped me up in his arms. He was the one who had done all the emotional labour, and yet he was comforting me. Could I be more of a hassle? He must have felt my tension as this thought flashed through my mind because his hand came up to stroke my hair.

"Shhhhh....everything is going to be fine."

The sound of his heartbeat and the rhythm of his breathing relaxed me. Why was he so nice? I wished I could stay here forever.

"You don't have to talk to me, but I think you might feel better if you do. I know I do. It wasn't easy, but now, I realize how much of a burden it was to keep it all locked up so tight."

I pondered his words. Saifah had trusted me unreservedly. He had shared the ugliest part of his life with me, hoping I could understand and accept him. Could I do the same? Could I take a leap with no certainty he would be there to catch me? I wasn't sure I had the strength or the guts. I closed my eyes and listened to the waves, feeling the sea breeze on my face, unexpectedly encouraged. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be free.

Maybe it was this place.

Maybe it was him.

Maybe it was just time.

I took a deep breath and buried my face against his chest. It was easier to talk if I couldn't see him.

"Three years ago, I was too stupid to realize the man I was dating was not as nice as he pretended to be. He... he was controlling and ... emotionally abusive. Because I'm such a loser, I stayed with him for a year until he cheated on me, and I couldn't pretend things were ok any longer."

I waited for disbelief, anger and criticism because only a weak, brainless person like me could stay with such a man.

"That asshole is a piece of trash, Zon. You certainly didn't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves that. If you think you did, then it means I deserved my dad's abuse. You need to give yourself a break because none of it is your fault, baby. I'm sorry it happened to you."

I couldn't believe what he said.

"But ... but it's nothing compared to what you went through. I could have left, but I didn't. I was too needy and too insecure."

"Zon, leaving is never straightforward or easy in these types of situations. Whatever you did or didn't do, the bottom line is that what happened to you was NEVER your fault. And I will repeat this to you until you believe me."

He brought me closer and kissed the top of my head. I could feel tears dancing in my eyes. I couldn't quite believe his words, but it made me feel better to know that he was on my side.

"Baby, can you tell me what happened this week? You don't have to if you don't want to, but if I did something wrong, I'd prefer to know."

What should I say? Should I tell him that I freaked out over laundry because my ex made such a scene the only time I left dirty clothes at his place? Or that I'm terrified of asking him to spend time with me because I was told I was too needy? Or any of the other million things I wasn't allowed to do or say because it would provoke rages and fights for which I'd be blamed. Could he stay with me after that? Maybe he would, out of pity. How could I tell him?

"No... you didn't do anything wrong. I... I was truly really busy this week and didn't sleep much but...but also.... errr... there is a lot I don't know about relationships. I don't have a lot of experience and the experience I have ... well... it isn't good... so I... I got scared."

It was so hard to even say that much. I was mortified by what had happened.