I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 50

Song: Mars Mango, "Nasa'n Ka, Oh Luna"

Mom turned towards me with the sweet look she used when she wanted something.

"Zon, since we have an unexpected guest, I'd like to get something nicer for dessert, drive me to the bakery, so you can wait in the car if parking isn't available."

I looked at Saifah, and raised an eyebrow in silent question, trying to ascertain if he was ok staying behind. He smiled back and started taking plates to the kitchen, leaving me with no choice but to follow my mother.

We drove mostly in silence; she had been cautious since we arrived and I knew something was on her mind. I waited for her to be ready to speak, which incidentally happened on the way back.

"Zon, this boy broke your heart and then you let that other man treat you poorly. It worries me to see you jump into such a serious relationship just like that."

My hands tightened on the steering wheel. I loved my mother, truly I did, but her comment hit a nerve.

"Mom, I appreciate your concern, truly I do, but I would prefer not to hear you blaming me for what happened."

"Zon, I never said..."

I didn't wait for her to continue, upset now and for once, needing to stand up for myself.

"You did mom. Every time we've talked about my ex, you've used these words *let him*. Do you truly believe I wanted him to abuse me, that I *let it* happen? He is a master manipulator who destroyed my self-confidence so thoroughly I was convinced I deserved it. I didn't *let it* happen, it happened to me."

I realized I was shaking. As I pulled over, despite the rising panic, I felt proud of myself. We sat in silence for a while, her hands nervously fiddling with the package in her lap as anger, concern and then sadness successively flashed across her face. Drained, I rested my head back and closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry mom, I didn't mean to be so harsh. To be completely honest, I did blame myself... for a long time. It's only recently that I... I finally understood it wasn't my fault."

I felt her hand on mine, tentatively bridging the distance between us and after a some time, synchronized heavy sighs dispelled the remaining tension;

"I'm sorry, Zon."

Her soft tone soothed my wariness; I covered her hand with mine in response squeezing gently.

"Me too mom, I know you mean well, truly I do. I'm dealing with things. I... I went back to therapy."

"Oh Zon. I'm glad! I have been so worried. I just want you to be happy, baby."

"I know mom. I'm ok, promise."

This unexpectedly deep exchange with my mother acted as a spark; it had never been my fault. I could finally start to forgive myself. I started the car, eager to go home knowing he was waiting for me.

"Mom, I really like him a lot and he's been really good to me. Just give him a chance, ok?"

She sighed and smiled slowly.

"Ok, but if he hurts you, I will tear him apart."

"That's a terrifying thought... thank you, mom."