I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 18

Song: Florence + The machine, "You've got the love"

I loved having him in my house, sharing my space. He fitted in so perfectly that, just for a little while, I pretended he was here permanently. It reminded me of the times he stayed in my dorm room while we were at university. I could feel the tension between us every time we brushed past each other. I hoped I wasn't deluding myself. I didn't want him to leave yet, so I offered to go up to the roof. I needed to talk with him without a phone between us. I had missed him a great deal this past week. As I sat down on the lounge chair, I could feel his mood change. I hadn't expected him to be this direct and was temporarily speechless. I heard his deep sigh but didn't turn to look at him and kept staring at the sky. He went on.

"Sai, can we talk about uni? About what happened then? I understand if you don't want to, but ... but I think we need to. Actually, I think I'm the one who needs to tell you about it."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I put down my glass and looked at him. I might as well face this now.

"Ok, go ahead."

"I ... I am sorry about everything."

Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't an apology.

"Zon, what are you apologizing for?"

He sighed again. Then he suddenly sat up, turned sideways and put his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. I just waited, eyes closed. I felt him move.

"Sai, I messed up at the concert after I discovered Zol's fiction about us. I panicked. I'd just realized I liked you and I worried you would hate me for it. I'm sorry, I was so confused and scared, I ran away. I should have talked to you, but I needed time to sort myself out and I didn't know how to articulate what was happening to me."

Since that night, I had had urges to throttle Zol about a million times. Why did she decide to tell her brother about her fiction at that moment? I have no idea what she was trying to do, but in the end, it damaged my relationship with Zon. Lord save us from nosy meddling little sisters!!

"I'm sorry too, Zon. I felt unsure about you, and I didn't want to overwhelm you. I regret not stating my intentions more clearly. I know it always looked like I was teasing you, but that wasn't the case."

I rubbed my forehead and sighed.

"Sai, I thought you were uncomfortable with us being portrayed as a couple. That's the reason I dragged Zen and Thai around. I didn't want you to feel awkward being alone with me. I didn't want you to think I was hitting on you, and I didn't want to lose you. I was struggling with my feelings and my sexuality. On top of that, everyone knew about Zol's story and watched everything I did."

"What? Zon, I thought you were uncomfortable being in a fake couple with me! I wanted to confess to you that night because I couldn't hold in my feelings anymore. I thought you'd reject me and I was ok with that. We could still be friends. I hadn't realized you were questioning your sexuality. When you made it obvious you didn't want to be alone with me anymore, I was heartbroken. I couldn't deal with it."

"What?? You liked me? But, you broke my heart when you ghosted me."

We sat in silence for a long time. Slowly, the realization sunk in that we had both been gigantic dumbasses. After what felt like half a century, I spoke.

"I still do."

"You still do what?"

"I still like you."

I heard him gasp. It felt like time slowed down to a trickle. I could feel the seconds tick by as I waited for him to say something, anything!!

"Well, I guess that's good then because I still like you too. Actually, I don't think I ever stopped."

What?? Before I realized I was moving, I stood up, reached for his hand and pulled him into my arms. Hugging him as if my life depended on it, so overcome by emotion, tears welled up in my eyes. I bent down and murmured in his ear "My Zon... My Zon... My Zon", unable to stop. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his face pressed against my chest. As I kissed the top of his head, I swore to myself that I would never let him go ever again.