I will never be the same without you...

Chapter 12

Song: BTS, "House of cards"

I waited until I was in the elevator to freak out. SAIFAH IS BISEXUAL AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND I WAS OBLIVIOUS WHILE EVERYONE KNEW!!!!! Oh dear god, how could I have been so stupid! I covered my face with my hands, rubbing my temples with my thumbs. My thoughts were in disarray. I opened the door to my apartment, dropped my bag, took off my shoes, my jacket, and sunk into the couch. I rested my head on the back and sighed. I thought about what happened at university with a new outlook. Had he actually been uncomfortable with me? At that time, I was so wrapped up in trying to figure out who I was, could I have misunderstood him? With hindsight, I regret even more not talking to him. I felt like crying.

I hadn't really understood my budding feelings in the past, but it was becoming clearer that they had only been dormant. So, what should I do now? Would it be ok to flirt with him? Would he be interested in dating? What if I asked? Is it different for bisexual guys? And what if he has someone in his life? I hadn't dared to ask because I was afraid of the answer. I wish I could talk about it with someone, but I wasn't ready to deal with everyone nosing in. I wanted to talk to him, but not until the turmoil in my mind settled.

I still couldn't believe he was queer. I felt so hopeful, but uncertain. Was I setting myself up for another heartbreak or for something I'd dreamt about so many times? All these thoughts dancing around made it hard to fall asleep, and I woke up the next morning bleary-eyed after a restless night.

[Saifah] Song: Major Lazer, "Cold Water"

After he disappeared in the elevator, I realized that my hands were shaking on the wheel. I had to take a few deep breaths before starting the engine and driving home. I had made a point of staying calm for him. I knew how anxious he could get, and I wanted him to feel safe. Now that he wasn't here, I wanted to scream, cry and laugh at the same time. My heart and my mind were in chaos. I drove home in a daze, barely remembering how I got there. I stripped on my way to the bedroom and fell spread eagle on my bed. The room only illuminated by the soft glow of my alarm clock.

I still couldn't believe he didn't know and thought I was hetero this whole time. Was that why he pulled away? It seems he realized his sexuality around the time we were at university. Had he been afraid I would be mad if he told me? It's always so hard to know who to trust. Oh, this was such a mess.... We are such a mess! But, he's gay! HE'S GAY!!!!! I whooped and bounced on my bed, screaming at the top of my lungs. I didn't care if the neighbours were startled. I touched my racing heart and hugged a pillow as hard as I wanted to hug him, smiling like a fool. HE'S GAY!! That means I have a chance. I was terrified and euphoric at the same time. I wanted to tell him what was in my heart right this minute, but I knew he needed time. I tossed and turned all night but woke up feeling positive because there was hope.