Symphony || Remus Lupin

XLIV

Warning: Mention of suicide, dark thoughts

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Myra retreated into her shell, Remus could tell. She pushed everyone away, ignored them. She barely ate, never slept, and always spent her free time in the library. Whenever he tried to talk to her, she gave him a tight smile, her eyes lingering on her shoes, and said 'Not now, Remus. I have to study.' He could see the bags under her eyes, how her cheeks were losing the plushness that he loved.

He could see the dimness in her eyes, the way she slumped. It pained him that he saw it. No matter what he did, she just pushed past him. Every time he tried to get her to eat, to sleep, she would give him a look before leaving abruptly. He hated how he only saw her friends going into the Great Hall, the looks they exchanged before telling him that she was resting in their dorm. Whenever he saw her in classes, whenever he tried to talk to her, she remained silent.

Remus' chest had a hollowing pain in it. His desperation was raising. He wanted Myra to talk to him while looking into his eyes, to smile at him without the dullness in her eyes, to look at him before hurrying away. It was as if she just didn't want to be around him. He couldn't help but take it personally when she avoided him.

And Remus couldn't help but relate it to when he was drowning, when he was surrounded by people he thought wouldn't care about him. Even though his being hurt, he didn't want to push. That's not the sort of person he was. He truly believed that if Myra wanted to talk to someone, if she wanted to be comforted, to be loved, she would ask.

That just proved how much of a lie he was living.

He couldn't read minds.

What was he thinking?

∞-∞-∞

!!xXx!!

Myra wasn't really sure what was happening around her. She could feel herself going to classes, going to the library. She could remember the things she had studied the previous night and she could remember the spells she had practiced during her free period. She could see her friends trying to talk to her, feel them drag her out of her dorm to attend classes, Remus trying to hold her. She could hear them trying to make her eat, try to make her do anything with them.

She felt like she was walking in mud. Everything around her was dulled, nothing held the same spark that she thought they did. She could barely find the hope she thought she had found. She couldn't feel the love that she thought she had felt.

The only time she felt truly in control of herself was during the night, when she didn't have the light to chase away her demons and nightmares.

It was horrible.

They would creep up on her, whispering in her ears, make her look to the razor, make her want to see her blank canvas rippling with scars. Her nightmares would remind her of what had happened, why she felt his way, she couldn't turn to anyone. She couldn't help but lock herself in the bathroom until she was sure that the sink had been painted with enough red, until she was sure that she felt the pain that she deserved, until she couldn't feel anything else but the burning.

Myra wouldn't feel satisfied. No matter what she did, the storm inside raged on. Her mind destroyed and corrupted everything she held dear. Everything she loved was doubted and everything she hated was accepted. She considered all the things she never would have on any other occasion and she pushed away from the things she loved, knowing that she didn't deserve that kind.