Y/N POV
The days were doing that funny thing where they seemed to speed by quicker than anything when all you wanted them to do was stop. My anxiety was increasing as the days raced ahead, closer and closer the the New Year and when I would have to fight for my life. None of us knew what was coming. Of course there would be a battle but nobody, not even Dumbledore could predict just how many dark wizards would be in attendance. Of course it was stupid. The ministry were on side to capture each and everyone of the idiots who thought they could rise again without Voldemort but it didn't do anything for the knot in my stomach. Severus had been busy teaching and I was glad to be able to sit in his quarters and brew my liquid luck without him knowing. I'd managed to figure out that due to the fact it needed six months to brew and I was only able to give it not even two, that although it would still work, I'd have around a five minute window before it's effects wore off. This, along with a very secretive little potion that I'd been brewing would surely enable me to act out my plan. Of course, nobody knew about what I was planning to do and it worried me greatly that maybe I was going to cock up what Dumbledore and the Ministry had arranged? Or more terrifying, that Severus would hate me for what I was going to do.
It was killing me that I was having to keep it a secret from him. It hit me most when I would lay in his arms each night, completely and utterly consumed with love for the man that was Severus Snape. Me being me, obviously hadn't told him I was in love with him, I hoped he wasn't too stupid to understand that I clearly was and wouldn't have to say the words to him. I wasn't ready. Everybody I'd ever told I loved had been killed at the hands of Dark wizards and if I were to tell Severus before this upcoming battle, I could surely guarantee that something bad would happen to him too. I tried not to think of that. The fact I was putting everyone at risk for me when it could of been so easy to just hand myself over and save what was likely to be, certain death for at least a handful of the people who had sworn to protect me.
Dumbledore had insisted that the students of Hogwarts were to return home for the Christmas holidays. I wasn't complaining though, it meant I was allowed out of Severus' chambers and could roam the castle without fear of somebody spotting me.
Christmas Eve had rolled around and I'd been walking the halls of the castle, watching the snowflakes fall softly onto the blanket of white already covering the ground. I sat by an open window in the Dark Arts classroom, staring out across the grounds and found hot tears running down my cheeks. How had I got here? How had everything changed from the parties and the friends and the laughter in the Slytherin common room to my family and friends being dead and myself preparing to walk into a battle and help the ministry round up the last of Voldemort's followers?
I thought of my mum. How kind she always was to me that it broke my heart to know that she had been a death eater. I thought of Anna and of Jenny. How they'd always been kind to me. Always stuck around when things got tough and I needed a shoulder to cry on. The tears flowed freely and I was glad to be alone in that classroom. I could only pray now that my plan would work. That the Felix Felicis and my secret other potion would work together to pull this off. God how I wanted to tell someone. Severus mainly. He had been so good to me. Wow hadn't that changed from the beginning of my school years. A snappy, evil man to the man I now knew that would comfort me and hold me in his bed at night. The small sob that escaped my lips shocked even me, for I hadn't realised how deeply I was sobbing, sat in that window, a Grindylow staring at me from where it was kept in the corner of the room.
"Here. Eat, you'll feel better." The familiar, woody scent of Lupin shocked me as I looked up at the hand offering me a huge chunk of Honeydukes finest chocolate. I declined, my appetite having completely disappeared as of late as New Year crept closer at an alarming rate. Seeing my tear stained cheeks, Lupin pulled me into a hug and honestly I was glad of the comfort it brought me. It made me feel less alone. He was different to Severus. I loved Severus with all of my heart yet Lupin brought a comfort and security to me like no other. Almost like an older brother or a friend. Silly I know, my Dark Arts teacher being the one to bring me some sort of comfort but still, it was nice.
"I don't know what you're planning on doing Y/N. But I know I can't stop you whatever it is. But I warn you my dear, you better know what you're doing. We've sworn to protect you and you will be safe if you follow Dumbledores orders. So whatever it is you're planning on doing, make no mistake, you better hope it goes to plan. I've watched that mans heart be broken once. I would ask you not to do it to him once more." I didn't need to reply to Lupin as I stood wrapped in that hug. Clearly, he'd worked out I had some trick up my sleeve and evidently wasn't going to try and stop me. Dropping me from the hug, I smiled at him as he left the room. It was getting late and my thoughts turned back to Severus.
Snapes POV
The clock chimed once more. Alerting me to the fact yet another hour had passed that she'd been wandering the castle on her own. As concern crept into the corners of my mind, the door opened quietly, relaxing my worried mind. Her cheeks were tear stained and she looked tired. She looked like that a lot lately and I couldn't blame her. Taking her out into a battle, even with the ministry on side was dangerous and I didn't envy being in her position. She didn't speak as she shuffled across the room, her eyes fixated on the fluffy socks she'd chosen to wear. With a glance into the cauldrons in the corner that she'd bewitched so I couldn't see inside, she walked over to where I was sat reading. The girl wasn't sure how to conduct herself around me, still establishing the dynamics of our relationship. She looked young and vulnerable as she stood before me and it broke my heart to see her this way. Pulling her into a strong embrace I felt her breathe deeply against my chest.
"You're okay." Mumbling into her hair were the only words I could say to her for nothing else was going to make her feel better.
"Promise me you'll never hate me. No matter what I do." Her words send my mind into worry and it made me want to look into her mind. Unfortunately for me, she had grown better with her Occlumency and I had no chance of getting inside her head. Why would she say something like that? What had the girl done or what was she going to do?
"Why would you say that?"
"Just promise me. It's nothing in particular, I just need to know that I'll always have you." It was evident she had her own plans for this coming night. Plans that I feared, would be dangerous and not involve the order or the ministry which concerned me more than her words. For I could never hate the girl. She could walk right over to the other side and practice dark magic yet still, I would be unable to hate her.
"I could never hate you."
"Remember that." I couldn't understand her secrecy and the need to keep me out of her head but I didn't dare press her for fear of another breakdown or her hurting herself to cope with the pain. If she needed to be alone inside her head to come to terms with things then that was fine. At least she wasn't harming herself.
Y/N POV
Christmas Day came. And then it went. Much like the other days of this year. No one felt the need to celebrate it and Severus had spent many hours in the past weeks shut upstairs in Dumbledore's office. It didn't concern me. Whatever they had planned was probably best for me to not know if I were going to be acting alone anyway. My mind had shifted in the days that followed, more determined than ever but finding it easy to push everyone away. I couldn't have the feelings of others clouding my judgement for when the time came, it was me and me alone. I could tell it offended Severus slightly that I would shrug him away from me, or that I'd fall straight to sleep without laying in his arms but it was the only thing I could do to not break down and tell them everything and how I wanted him to stay down here with me forever. I needed it to work. I needed them to believe what I was going to do. If I spoke now, it would risk us all.
***Sorry this chapter is a little boring, I just needed a little bit of background and a fill in before we continue. Thankyou so much for voting and carrying on reading, it means a lot 💖***
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The only way to cope. Snape X reader
Fantasy***Currently re editing *** After Y/N family was taken in a serious accident she had to learn to be alone. When she starts learning some unhealthy coping strategies, it's up to someone to help.
