The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 47

Y/N POV

To crawl up into that tiny little headspace where nothing could touch me would be the only way to get through it. To not let the fact that I'd been a plaything, a thing to use and shag and drop to the floor like I was nothing completely shatter me.
To not let the fact that I had been used as a pathetic little whore break my very soul.

So in that headspace I stayed. I did the only thing I knew how. I didn't think. Didn't sleep. Didn't eat. I'd read to escape this reality. To live in a world of dragons and princesses. Not in a world of users and magic I didn't even want anymore.

Weeks were passing me by. Week after week after week after week. No talking. No sleeping. No eating. Just breathing. Just sitting in that safe space in my head. I didn't attend potions. I barely attended anything else. And I was glad. Glad that I didn't have to see his face in the weeks that followed. Weeks where i could of imagined the whole thing. For there was not a trace of Severus Snape in my life for those weeks. I didn't attend the hall to eat. And I didn't attend his lessons. And there was nowhere else in the castle that he ever wandered......

Snapes POV

I hadn't seen her for weeks. Hadn't seen her as Christmas came. Didn't even know if she was still in the castle. I couldn't do this. I knew I'd broken her. Knew the pain she was going through because if it were anywhere near as similar to mine- I couldn't bear it.
I didn't dare search for her. Didn't dare ask anybody else about her. Because I knew. I knew what a state she'd be in. I knew how far her eyes will of sunk into her head and the dark circles that would be there. I knew she'd be as skinny as anything I'd ever seen. But I had lingered near Mrytles bathroom every evening on my patrols, desperate not to catch her coming from there with her arms clutched to her chest. I hadn't seen her once. And the relief it brought me was of some comfort to my aching heart.

So it broke me. When I did see her. Months after I'd been so cruel and thrown her from my life. It was all to protect her. All to keep her safe.
So as I stalked the corridors to the Hall for dinner, storming through groups of students who had packed the hallways, I caught a glimpse of golden brown hair emerging from that bathroom. Left wrist clutched to her chest and eyes completely vacant of any light. In the second that our eyes caught and I had blinked, she was gone.

I didn't go to the Hall. That image alone would haunt me forever. Catching eyes with the one person who had meant more than anyone. Catching eyes with that person and seeing how broken she was. And how I was desperate to grip her in my arms, and stroke her hair and whisper that I loved her and I would never ever cast her from me if I didn't have to. Catching eyes with someone I'd broken and couldn't fix........

Y/N POV

I thought I imagined it. A flash of dark hair and the spark between our eyes over the heads of my classmates. And then I was back in my dorm. Alone. Wrists aching. So empty.
I was dragged from my thoughts by a tapping at the door. I ignored it. I hadn't spoken in weeks and I was not about to start now. Not when that tapping was so gentle it was likely to be a tiny first year asking some ridiculous question.
The tapper twisted the handle and I sighed, ready for the onslaught of nonsense. Yet what greeted my eyes almost brought a smile to my cold lips. Two house elves, one sat on the shoulders of another to reach the door handle tumbled in, clambering onto the bed where I had wrapped myself in blankets.

They set down a basket and began to unpack it.
Miggleberry pie. I'd never eaten this outside of my own house and the smell alone had me forgetting about the broken parts of me and deciding to eat for the first time in days. Who had known this was what would bring me to look after myself?

I couldn't dwell on it as one of the elves took my hand and pulled up my sleeves. I went to pull away but their hands were gentle as they cleaned and bandaged my arms.

How had they known? Who sent them?

I woke to soft hands pulling me from my bed and whispering that I had to be quiet. Too dazed to understand what was going on, I found myself being led through the dark corridors up the Headmasters office. When my eyes finally adjusted to the light, I found Lupin to be the one who had awoken me and that I was now standing in front of the Order, minus Severus.

Dumbledores eyes were full of a seriousness that I rarely got to see and it alone filled me with a dread that had me gripping Lupins hand tighter.

" You need to go Y/N. Bellatrix and your dad are on the hunt for you. You will need to pick a location and become the secret Keeper. Only those of us you trust will be allowed knowledge of this location."
I knew as soon as Dumbledore had spoken that I would return to my family home. If I was secret keeper, my father wouldn't know about it anyway. It would be safe. I didn't say a word, only nodded and began to write the address on Parchment and hand it to each member of the Order in front of me.

"What about my exams?" Not that I was too concerned at this point but with it being so desperately close to the end of my final year, I would at least like to know where I stood.
"The Ministry will grade you based on your previous work. It is too dangerous for you to be here until this is all over."
Fine. Get me away. Let me sit in that warm, sunlit building that I had called home and let me be alone. Away from here. Let me forget it all. Let me live and heal by myself. And that was why I didn't bother to pack anything as I apparated home. I didn't want to step a single foot in Hogwarts again. Didn't want to be reminded of those memories.

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