The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 33

Y/N POV

With an empty mind I took my seat in the back of the Potions classroom once again. My arms stung as I tried desperately to understand what we were being taught and what was being written on the blackboard. I couldn't focus. From the lack of eating and sleeping my mind had become numb and I was finding it increasingly difficult to understand what was going on in any of my subjects. It hurt me most that my mental state was affecting potions. I was good at potions. Loved it even. But for the life of me I couldn't understand what on Earth we would need to be doing with the Ashwinder eggs.
I closed my eyes to steady my blurring vision and it must of been for some time as when I opened them again, the class were trailing out noisily. Panicked, and above all else disoriented, I began putting my ingredients back and scrubbing my cauldron. In my haste, I'd knocked a vile of some strange green liquid out of the cupboard where it sank to the bottom of the water in the sink. Plunging my hand in to retrieve the vial, something sharp in the bottom cut the palm of my hand. Gasping, I ripped my arm out of the water. The commotion I had caused in a now empty classroom had issued Severus' head to rise from his papers and stroll over to the sink. As I began to wash the cut I noticed his presence behind me. Tall and commanding. I turned slowly, a paper towel pressed into my hand to stem the red trickle that had worked its way down my fingers. Saying nothing, his eyes wandered to my injury and a look of pain crossed his face if not for a split second. My eyes followed his and I cursed myself. This is how it had begun last year. Me. Over by the sink washing a cauldron. My sleeves rolled up. My scarred arms visible and the pitying look of the Professor who couldn't begin to understand why I'd ever hurt myself. I pushed my sleeves down quickly, ashamed that he had seen them for that was the last thing I wanted. I could feel my eyes brimming with salty tears once more and I begged myself to hold it together.
"Please talk to me. I can't take this." My whisper was loud against the deafening silence of the potions room and I felt my knees tremble slightly in anticipation of him lashing out once more.
"Talk to you. Hm. It seems to me Miss Y/L/N that you are not a fan of ..... talking. But rather...... doing." That cool tone he so often used in the classroom penetrated my skull and rang loud in my ears.
"I did it to protect you-"
"Enough. You know nothing of protection and how foolish your actions were. Now get out." I wasn't going to let this continue. This was the most he'd spoken to me in nearly two months. I needed more than this.
"Just listen to me! It was only for you, it was only ever for you, please, just try to underst-"
"I will not. Tell you. Again. Get. Out."
"Severus-" I found my outstretched hand grasping the sleeve of his cloak as he turned his back on me, unwilling to let go. Unwilling to let him go.
"GET OUT!" The way he snatched his arm from mine. The way his hand collided with my cheek as he did so. The disgust in his voice. It was all too much. I stood there, shocked at his reaction as the stinging in my cheek from where his hand had landed etched itself into my mind. He hated me. I fled the room in what was seemingly becoming a practiced routine. My eyes swimming with tears and a panicked sob escaping my lips........

THIRD PERSON POV

The beginning of March brought warmer weather to the castle and the grounds at Hogwarts. Rather than the lashing rain, the sun had begun to show itself at increasingly regular intervals throughout the day. The decreasing darkness that had seemed to surround the school caused an excitement amongst the students who were desperately waiting for the spring so that they could spend more time in the beauty of the school grounds. For Y/N however, this was not the case. Alongside the drastic decline in her grades, her mental health was suffering greatly at the loss of the one person who meant most to her in this world.

***

Severus had found himself accompanying the headmaster on his evening strolls more and more recently. There was no particular reason for it, but it numbed the emptiness he felt without the company of Y/N in his chambers of an evening. Dumbledore, as always, was more than obliging to have somebody to talk to and discuss  whatever brilliant idea he'd had next.
"You'd do well to remember her kindness Severus. Don't fall into the same downward spiral we saw after Lily." It was becoming common practice for Dumbledore to lecture Severus of his treatment towards the young Slytherin girl as it was now plainly evident that the tear stained cheeks and dark black eyes that were only attending the great hall every few days were quickly becoming a cause for concern.
"I do not need lecturing from you Headmaster. She is nothing of Lily." The tone in Severus' voice had become dangerous but as usual, it had failed to deter Dumbledore from his questioning.
"No. She is more. I believed after Lily that there would be nothing in this world to make you smile again. Until I watched you dance with her at the Summer ball. I have never watched you behave that way towards anybody Severus. Even as a boy. You were never so careful with Lily as you were her. I see your reluctance to spend even a slither of spare time alone in your quarters and it did for a moment make me wonder. But it is evident my boy. Your quarters don't hold the smell of the Amortentia you have tried to discard. It is her. And I see it unnerves you to be so close to her but indeed, so far away. It is most curious." The words escaping Dumbledores lips were not falling on deaf ears as Severus had hoped. They rang true. But she had made her choice and it had broken him entirely. Those delicate pieces of his shattered heart had been picked up and moulded together once more by the girl, yet, when the time came, she had acted alone, not trusting him enough and he had watched her die. He had watched her die all over again. Nothing could of prepared him for that and those tiny, finicky pieces of his heart had shattered once more.
"You speak of not what you know Headmaster. Indeed, curiosity killed the cat."
"Severus. You need to think clearly. There will be no going back on it if I need to alter her memory regarding your relationship to her but I cannot, as Headmaster of this school sit and watch her fade into the shadows."
Up until this point, Severus had been in complete agreement that the girls mind should be altered to forget about him but there was something deep down that knew if he let this happen, he would be condemned to this world of loneliness and self loathing forever.
"She made her choice. She is reckless. She is incompetent. I had believed I had gained her full trust yet it seemed not. I lost Lily and I watched Y/N go too. I'm a fool to allow myself to be close to the girl. It is painful to watch her get taken away. Just like Lily."
Sighing, Dumbledore continued the walk through the castle. It was a still night and the castle was silent. All students had returned to their houses and by this time should of either been in bed or at least thinking about it.
"I will let you have time to think Severus. If you still feel the same way towards the girl after the next moon cycle, I will have to remove her memories of your affection. It is too dangerous and I fear she may have begun to be a danger to herself."
"She will be fine. She's proven she is quite capable of looking after herself."
But even as he spoke the words he was unconvinced. Yes, Y/N had indeed proven herself to be strong but at what cost? She could be strong and independent but it had often come at the expense of her own mental health.
This was confirmed by the fact that the entire time the Headmaster and Professor Snape had taken to their evening stroll through the castle, it had been difficult not to notice the gentle notes of a piano some corridors away and the soft voice that was singing along, full of a raw emotion that had caused the tiny hairs on Severus' neck to stand on end. Neither of them had bothered to chase up the student who had been out after curfew and they didn't need to. At least this was a healthy way of releasing emotions rather than the dangerous coping mechanisms she had often taken to. But the words of the song lingered in Severus' head as he left the Headmaster who had eyed him carefully as the girls words echoed through the stone walls of the castle.

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain
Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved........

Yes. Indeed he had pulled the rug from under her feet. But she had done the same to him that night she decided to die.....

***I know that this song would not have been around at the time but I think it fits well so I've decided to use it! All credit goes to Lewis Capaldi for the song Lyrics (look it up if you haven't heard it! it's beautiful!) anyway, I hope you're enjoying this so far💖***