The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 43

Y/N POV

If it hadn't of been for the steady pressure of hands on my shoulders as I was steered through the winding passageways of the castle I may have fallen apart right there in front of everyone. It has become harder and harder to distinguish what was real and what was not. Who was around me and who was not. What was happening to me and what was not.

I hadn't even felt the bowl slip from my fingers, hadn't realised I'd detached myself from the bustling hall around me. All that had been real in that moment was the pictures moving through my head. The stone walls and colourful portraits passed me by in a blur as I tried desperately to understand what was happening to me and if it wasn't for the fact I tripped over the threshold of the door I was being pushed through, I may of stayed in that secluded headspace forever and not returned to the present.

It came as no shock to understand that my eyes had focused upon a single crack in the stone blocks that made up the room around me, looking past everything else, as If I could see into another reality. Not that I was interested in that crack at all, but for the fact that I was still only present in my head. Reality had not caught up with me yet. So when my eyes finally focused in on that tiny little crack, I gasped, suddenly finding myself being thrown back into my body and being met with a set of grey eyes.

"Y/N.... what happened?" Lupins voice was a comfort against the silent pounding in my ears as I allowed my brain to take in what he was saying, dragging myself inch by inch back into the room.
"I- I don't know it was weird- like- like nothing I'd seen before-" I wanted to curse myself, scream at myself to speak clearly. But I couldn't. Couldn't get the words out despite how desperately I wanted somebody to help me, to understand what was happening to me and help.

"Y/N just breathe. Don't think about it, just breathe. And when you're ready, tell me what happened." The breath came easily then, finally seeping oxygen into my bloodstream as my chest relaxed and allowed gulps of cool air to travel down my windpipe.
"I saw her. In the Hall. Bellatrix. She was there and she was just- just looking at me with this grin on her face and, and I think it could be real. I really think she's got my parents and I really think she's killed my mum and I think she's got my Dad and I think this whole time it's been true-" I cut myself off at this point. Not allowing my words to contaminate this air any longer for fear that they would manifest into the witch herself.

Lupins face gave nothing away about what he was thinking. If he was indeed thinking anything. Yet it was his eyes that gave him away. Eyes that betrayed the silence on his lips.
"It's real. Isn't it?" I heard my voice crack as the truth crossed his face, words not needing to be spoken for me to understand that this was all true. That they hadn't caught Bella that night. I'd 'killed myself' for nothing and all those times that Lupin had told me to go to Severus about my dreams and ask for his help was just to get out of having to admit to me the truth. My breath hitched as the Professor scanned my face, gauging what kind of a reaction I might have to this kind of news. I couldn't say I was shocked. I wasn't. I'd known deep down from the second I'd started having these dreams again that they were too real. Too similar to the visions I'd seen of them hurting my friend and the muggle family and how these dreams terrorised me each night that they simply had to be true. So no, it didn't come as a shock when the silent admission had found its way to my ears. But the despair that seemed to follow in its wake left me deafened and climbing back into that safe space I'd made in my head. The safe space that meant nobody could touch me and I could cope there rather than taking it out via a silver scrap of metal.

"Y/N-"
"Don't." I stood quickly, cutting him off. There was one person I needed right now. One person who id shut out this whole time because I was scared of being some sort of a freak and that I would be made to feel wrong and weak and needed looking after. I wouldn't make that mistake again. I needed to speak with him. Know for real what had happened and maybe even apologise for my behaviour. For shutting out the one person who had saved me from myself.