The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 36

Y/N POV

There was nothing left to say.
His words had hit home loud and clear. I'd hurt him just as much as he had hurt me. I didn't deserve someone like him. Having been so consumed within my own mind and anger, I hadn't given a seconds thought to that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't angry with me. Maybe I had hurt him too much.
What was there left to say in this moment that would help? There was nothing. We'd burnt so bright and so fast that perhaps that was the problem all along. We'd burnt so fast that all was left was a smouldering pile of ashes.
Our eyes had met in the space between us and it was as if I were looking at him for the first time. There was a raw vulnerability to his expression. The picture of a man who had been split in two and never glued back together. Yes, his heart may of shattered when Lily had left, but I'd come along and crushed all of the pieces.
In that moment it all made sense. He didn't have to help me. He didn't have to care or to make sure I had eaten, or to bandage my wrists. He didn't have to do any of it. And yet he did. He still cared after I'd pushed him away and that was perhaps the most selfless thing he could of done. It was not for me to sit here and blame him for the way he had treated me since I made that decision that night. He was well within his right to conceal his heart in bubble wrap and protect it from the very thing that had broken it. Me.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to die. It's that I didn't want it to be you that found me......I knew I'd hurt you and I couldn't bare it to think that you would be the one to find me dead if I stayed in that cupboard." It was barely even a whisper that left my lips. I was embarrassed and ashamed and there was a huge presence of self-loathing hanging over my head as my voice cracked.
Our eyes had still refused to leave the confines of one  another but my gaze was becoming blurry. My teary eyes threatening to spill as I tried to understand the expression that was painted on his face. It was unreadable. I wanted him to shout at me. Or throw something or just say SOMETHING. I'd never heard silence this loud, only my heart pounding In my chest kept me from believing that I'd truly gone deaf and lost my hearing.
"Sev, I-" Once again, my voice betrayed me and cracked before I could finish the words I was making up on the spot, attempting to gauge some sort of reaction. As I opened my mouth to start again, his figure had made its way across the room and placed a single, pointed finger on my lips.
"Shhh. You're okay. Everything's okay." That was all my sorry head needed for the tears to fall freely from their watery prison and my god did they come in force. Hot and salty, they streamed down my cheeks in silent rivers as he pulled my head into his chest and I breathed in the scent that was so Severus. The parchment and the leather and that fresh, rainy aroma filled my nostrils as my muted tears came heavier than I felt they ever had done before. Was this forgiveness?
"Never, ever do something like that again." His words were mumbled into the soft brown waves of my hair and it had the effect of making me breakdown all over again, my fingers winding themselves into the fabric of his cloak and clinging on for dear life as I silently let the tears wrack my body.
"I'm so sorry." Again, my voice was barely a whisper in the darkness but I had to extinguish the flame of needing so desperately and whole heartedly to apologise to this man who had only ever tried to help me.

I had not been so content for weeks as I sat there in his embrace, surrounded by the darkness of the room. I sighed as his hand caressed my back but the sudden shock of his calloused fingers running over the top of my arm made me jump against his chest. It was not that he had hurt me. It was not that I didn't crave his touch. It was the fact that tonight's events with the Ravenclaw boy had made me all too aware of the placing of Severus' hands and the movement of his fingers from my back to my arms had apparently warranted my brain wanting to be as far from human contact as physically possible. It was only a second but he removed his hands and pushed me back from his chest, looking into my tired eyes.

"Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?"
His voice was silk- like and it instantly calmed me.

"No."
Of course I wanted to talk to him about it. But there wasn't much to say, was there? I'd let myself get into the situation, I'd been kind to the boy and had I flirted with him? Most probably under the influence of alcohol yes, i probably had. So that meant it was my own fault, right?
"I believe you should feel better if you did."
Those black eyes were burning holes in my skull and I could see the gears grinding in his head, working out whether it would be too invasive as of now to invade my thoughts and see for himself. It would certainly be easier and at present, my whole body had begun to hurt. It seemed yet again, I'd pushed it too far and was at the brink of exhaustion once more.
"Look for yourself."
Instantly removing the mental block id mastered from my Occlumency classes, I felt him dive into my mind. I could tell it was uncomfortable for him to watch the course of tonight's events in my memories due to the plain expression on his face but that was nothing compared to the feelings it was bringing to the forefront of my own mind.
My head was reeling from the events of the night as they flashed before my eyes, only being brought back to reality by the strong embrace of Severus as he pulled me into his chest.

"I won't let anyone hurt you."
I didn't know how to feel. I was beyond happy that I was back in his arms but the overwhelming feeling of guilt that was residing in the back of my head was gnawing at me unrelentingly. I'd hurt him as well as myself.
"Come, I will run you a bath."
It dawned on me how disgusting I must look. I knew for a fact that my makeup had become a smudgy black mess, my clothes were damp and clinging to me from both the damp floor of the dungeons and the cold sweat that had covered my body as it convulsed under the influence of the poison.
Regretfully, I pulled myself from his embrace and for the first time in hours, wiggled my legs out from underneath me, asking them to take my weight. They did not.
"I've got you."
His arms caught mine before my legs completely betrayed me and in truth I was glad of it. The toxins that had spread through my muscles had caused them to burn badly and I so desperately needed a hot bath and a warm bed.
I made my way to the bathroom with Severus' assistance and began to strip the damp clothes that were clinging uncomfortably to my skin. There was no room for embarrassment at this stage. Severus had seen my body before and I had no shame in getting completely naked. I was desperate for the hot water to relieve my exhausted body.

Snapes POV

Averting my gaze was difficult as she began to remove garments of clothing. It wasn't that I wanted to see her body. It was the fact that I physically couldn't hold her steady on her feet without looking at her.
If I had seen the girl look bad before it was nothing compared to what was presented before me as she undressed. Her arms were a mixture of black bruises and red cuts, each one deeper than the rest. Her ribs were clearly visible and the bones in her chest threatened to poke out of her white skin. Her hip bones stuck out at awkward angles and her stomach was so flat it had lost any identity of being a stomach at all. Never had I laid eyes on a more sorry sight. I looked away as I helped her into the water, afraid that she may break if I kept my eyes on her for too long.
Retrieving a plastic jug with my wand, I filled it with the water and began to soak her matted hair. The trickle of water that came from her soft curls was slowly turning the water red, much to my confusion. I had not seen she was bleeding? It didn't take long to discover the cause, the water seeming to start the flow of blood from her skull once more, eliciting a gasp as it stung her.
"How did this happen?"
Had she fallen after becoming unconscious or had this been a more sinister incident? Caused by the boy who had assaulted her perhaps?
"I hit my head on the wall when he-"
Without finishing the sentence that was evidently too painful, her bony, fragile hand wiped her tears away before they could fall into the water surrounding her. My knuckles had turned white, unconsciously gripping the handle of the jug in a seething grip. He would pay for hurting her.

Y/N POV

The bath had been a comfort but it was nothing compared to the feeling of being back in Severus' arms as I lay in his bed for the first time in weeks. So completely safe that it took away the sadness and the anxiety that had consumed me for so long. I drifted into a dreamless sleep, the last picture in my mind being that of those dark eyes as he brushed my hair from my face......

*** Sorry it took a little while to update, I'm starting to hit a brick wall with this story. So I need your help. I have more ideas and plot lines but I need to know what you guys want!
A) carry on writing
B) start to bring it to an end

I'd really appreciate your guys thoughts on what you'd like me to do! 💖***