The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 32

Y/N POV

My heart was breaking and it was taking all of my strength just to swing my legs over the side of the bed in the morning and get dressed. I wasn't present. I floated between my classes as the days passed by, utterly escaped within my own head. Reliving the last year. It hurt to relive my parents death, my friends death, my own death if you could call it that but my god it hurt more to relive the good stuff. Cuddling with Severus, waking up in his chambers- enough.
I couldn't even bring myself to eat in the hall, for my own eyes would betray my head and gaze longingly at the dark haired, onyx eyed man who once used to burn holes in my back but now did barely acknowledge my existence. My heart was breaking. I couldn't carry on much longer. I needed to speak to him. Express my feelings and attempt to explain what I'd been thinking and that I'd only ever done this to protect him. Because I was in love with him.

Once again, I had taken my seat at the back of the class and, with my mind numb, brewed the potion that had been inscribed on the chalk board at the front of the room. Perhaps it was my lack of sleep or lack of attentiveness to the room around me, but my cauldron found itself in the way of my arm and clattered to the floor with a huge smash, sending a purple liquid flying across the stone. The whole class had turned to look at me as I held my breath, I knew I'd be in trouble, that he'd call me something horrible but I was deep down secretly hoping that even if he did scold me in front of the class that at least he had acknowledged my existence.
Not only to my surprise but the rest of the class too by the looks on their faces, he did not so much as look up from the book he was reading but instead flicked his wand in the direction of the mess on the floor and it began to repair itself. Why couldn't he just look at me? I didn't even need a smile but just something to know that what we had was real. That I hadn't made it up. If I could just look into those dark eyes once more I'd know I hadn't created it in my head. That it had been truer than anything that I'd ever felt before. It was too much. Being here, watching him not watch me. I didn't bother to tidy my desk, instead, picking up my books and leaving the room. The shame of it was too much and I walked the corridors back to the Slytherin dormitories with hot tears slinking softly down my face. I needed him more now than ever.

The pain was becoming relentless and I was getting into trouble for not paying attention in my classes but the truth was I couldn't. If I forced myself out of the safety of my own mind and into the present it was a matter of time before I would crumble into nothingness. For that was all I was without him. I was nothing. The urge to take my pain out on my wrists was becoming stronger each day. Each time he purposely averted my gaze or made a point of checking everyone's work but mine. But I wouldn't give in. I'd done so well to come so many months without hurting myself that it would be a betrayal of my own body to take a blade to my skin. Instead, I'd retreat into my own mind and clear it so I thought of nothing. My mind was empty and it was safe space for me to reside in. Yes, I was in trouble with my Professors and my work was slipping terribly but if they wanted me to be here, this was the only way I was going to get through it without him.

*****

It had been over a month since I'd woken up in the Hospital Wing and my health was deteriorating. I wasn't eating due to the fact I couldn't bring myself to sit in the Hall and be in the same room as him. I wasn't sleeping because my mind drifted into these beautiful dreams filled with Severus Snape and the pain of waking up from them was too great to endure every morning. I was exhausted and I knew from experience my body wouldn't take much more. I needed to speak to him. It was a cold February afternoon and the rain hammered down hard against the castle walls. I sat in Potions, no longer enjoying this class but actually resenting it. If I hadn't of been so skilled at it, maybe he would of never noticed me in the first place and I could of avoided all of this heart ache. The class was dismissed and I took the opportunity to speak with my Professor, needing something to calm my erratic mind. My heart hammered in my throat as I approached his desk, his eyes scanning over the yellowed parchment in his hands, his lips pursed ever so slightly.
"Sir?"
"Yes Miss Y/L/N?" He hadn't even looked up at me. I nearly left the room then, my confidence faltering but my feet wouldn't carry me. My heart needing more than ever this conversation.
"Please. Just speak to me."
"I don't know what you are implying Miss Y/L/N but it is entirely unprofessional for a student to be discussing anything other than the lesson with their Professor." Again, his eyes stayed glued to the paper in front of him.
"Oh but I suppose sleeping with them is acceptable?" My temper had flared up and I was glad of it. Finally, an emotion other than despair was taking its turn in my body.
"How dare you speak to a Professor in that way. Get out Miss Y/L/N." My feet stayed rooted to the spot, scared that if I gave in now I truly would have nothing left to hope for.
"Now!" The fist that slammed down on the desk shocked me into movement as the tears pricked my eyes once more. I couldn't let him see my cry so I turned on my heels and slammed the door to his classroom behind me.
Ignoring my previous thoughts, I rushed into Myrtles bathroom and locked the cubicle door behind me, sinking my back against it and resting on the cool tiled floor. For the first time in so long, I reached into my bag and took out the silver piece of metal that had been kept there since my parents death and drew red lines across my wrists, grateful for the relief it brought me and the numbness that swept over my mind as I did so.

***

The days were all becoming one. Barely sleeping, barely eating, barely existing. I'd done this to myself and I was broken. I just wanted him so desperately to speak to me. To hold me. To be back to how it was before. I found myself at the top of the Astronomy tower for the fourth night in a row. The darkness was calming and the stars against the night sky were of some comfort to remind me that I couldn't possibly be alone. Could I?
A soft voice shocked me from where I'd sat against the rails of the tower for it was well into the night and way past the curfew. It was followed by a voice of pure silk. A voice that had once seemed to make all of my fears disappear but now filled my stomach with a churning, fluttery feeling.
Dumbledore and Severus' outlines appeared in the darkness as they appeared to be in a great discussion. Upon noticing my figure against the rails Dumbledore looked up.
"Why are you out of bed Y/N?" Again, his kindness always surprised me for I was often breaking rules and he had yet to punish me or even speak unkindly to me.
"I'm sorry Professor. Couldn't sleep. I'll be going." My voice shook slightly as I made to pass the both of them in the darkness.
"No need Y/N. I'm sure you'll make your way back when you're ready. No need to break this habit of the past four nights." With a wink he looked straight through me. How this man seemed to know everything that went on in the castle surprised me. Yet he obviously knew I would be up here and still brought himself and Severus up anyway. What was going on.
"It's okay sir. I'll leave you both." I didn't dare lift my head to look at Severus and my gaze was unwilling to meet even Dumbledores kind eyes.
"Severus will escort you to your dormitory. I wouldn't want an accident." My heart stopped. Why oh why did he have to send Severus along with me. With a flick of his cloak, Severus began to descend the steps, my bare feet slapping the cold stone after him. As if spurred on by some new found confidence or perhaps it was anger at the situation I was unsure, but as soon as we were clear of the astronomy tower I found myself threatening to explode with emotion.
"Will you just stop!" I was glad that my voice sounded stronger than I'd of thought it would and even gladder of the fact his dark figure stopped in its tracks.
"I'm not discussing anything with you Miss Y/L/N. You made a decision and you will live with it. Go to bed."
"So this is my fault? It's my fault that you can barely look at me! Severus please-"
"Enough! It is Professor Snape to you. Go. To. Bed." I knew better than to argue with him at this point for his eyes had turned to a dangerous shade of black I'd rarely seen before. My eyes found themselves staring at my feet once more and I swept past him as fast as I could. My tears threatening to tumble over before I could get clear of him. Glad that we hadn't yet made it to the Slytherin common room, I slipped into the bathroom, picking up the blade I'd left in there before and slid down the door of a cubicle. Myrtle had grown used to seeing me in here again over the past weeks and didn't dare comment for fear of me taking out my emotions on her again. Instead, she let out a large sigh from where she had been sat in the sink before the small splash indicated they'd disappeared into one of the toilets. Leaving me, once more, completely alone....

***Sorry this took a little longer to update, I've been really trying to get this right and also get through a spell of not having any imagination this week 🤦🏼‍♀️ anyway, I hope you enjoy, let me know how it is 💖***