The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 39

Y/N POV

"HAAAA HA HA." A haunting cackle filled the darkness completely. There was nothing to be seen in the sea of black, just the painful, evil laugh that echoed through the darkness.
A pin prick of light shone through the velvety blackness in front of me, urging me to walk toward it. It seemed to grow as I took each step towards it, increasing from a tiny prick to a gold, glowing circle.
A head of black curls came into view, a crazed, wide eyed grin settling upon the woman's face. It was the view behind her though that made my breath catch in my throat and my heart thump wildly against my chest.
"Mum?"
"Abada kedavra!"

My eyes flew open, a silent scream escaping my lungs. Taking in the surroundings of the dark room I established it must of been the middle of the night. The moon shone through the tiny window, settling onto the bed sheets and reflecting off the potions bottles on the shelves around the room. Severus wasn't beside me but it didn't worry me. He often found it difficult to sleep for long periods of time and I should imagine that he would be reading or stalking the corridors of the castle.
My heart still pounded against my chest as I slowed my breathing into some sort of rhythm. What had I seen? It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. They'd caught all of the death eaters that night that I'd taken that potion and supposedly died. And besides, my parents were dead. They'd already been killed. No. It was just a dream. That was all it was. I didn't need to worry Severus with it, he'd seemed troubled since I'd taken an attempt on my life last week, constantly pestering me to sleep or eat or do some exercise. I didn't need to concern him anymore with a dream. That was all it was. Nothing more.

Snapes POV

The day had been long yet I couldn't resist her face when she asked if I would teach her the potions she had missed out on over the last week of teaching. I had seen a change in her behaviour since her classes had ceased, she had become relaxed, calm and not so insistent on keeping up her appearance charms and needing everything to be so perfect, it was reassuring to see a positive change in such destructive behaviours.
I had so very nearly declined her request to be taught the potions curriculum that she had missed out on; knowing full well just how talented she was at potions and that she would pick them up easily enough without the need to have to take part in the practical lesson. Yet something was different on the girls face to the previous few days. Her eyes were sunken and and she looked tired, preoccupied almost. It was this that convinced me to lead her through to my classroom and begin to teach her what she had missed, hoping that the dazzling passion would return to her eyes like it so often did when she was brewing.
It was effortless. The way she handled the ingredients and could memorise a method almost instantly without having to refer back to the parchment in which I'd written it out for her. The way she seemed so confident in her abilities it was like she had never failed at anything before. The way those brown eyes lit up the second she began to work. She was effortless. The tired, far away look that had caused me concern as she had approached me at the end of my classes had been replaced with a look of pure content and interest in her work.
The knock at the door brought me out of the trance that she had captured me in and had also made her jump in her seat.
"Excuse me Professor Snape, I believe it is time for Miss Y/L/N to come to my office?" Lupins scarred face looked over to the girl who seemed to sigh into her cauldron, the light leaving her eyes as she remembered that she would have to endure the relentless questioning and discussion about her feelings with that beast.
I caught her eye, indicating that I would tidy away her ingredients as she crossed the room towards Lupin. I knew it was wrong to feel any sort of way as I watched her walk towards the door with him, knowing she would spend the next couple of hours locked in his office but as he placed a hand on her back, signalling her toward the corridor something snapped inside me.
"I am sure she can walk for herself without the need for your assistance Lupin." The tone of my voice had hit dangerously low as his hand snapped back to his side, his eyes meeting mine. He looked away first, following the girl from the room as her gaze flitted between the both of us.

Y/N POV

It seemed that Severus was just as reluctant for me to take part in these counselling sessions as I was judging by the way he had snapped at Lupin on my way out of the door. It was a warm afternoon, the spring sunshine filled the corridors as I traced the unfamiliar path to Lupins own office. I felt... nervous. I think. Apprehensive definitely. I wasn't one to discuss my feelings. Especially with those who were not close to me. It was weak. But yet again, I'd proven myself time and time again in the past eighteenth months to be weak and not in control of myself.
Taking refuge in a leather armchair that sat close to the empty fireplace I watched Lupin as he sat in the chair opposite me, as always, an air of calmness and wisdom radiating from him.
"So, Y/N, how have you been?" The question took me off guard as I truly didn't know how to answer him.
"Urm, good, I guess. Better than before. I think it's helped, to have time to myself. I can think again and it's calmer than it was." This was proving more difficult than I thought it would be. I had never been questioned directly about how I was feeling, Only ever expressing myself in angry outbursts at Severus.
"You look tired today. Have you been sleeping well?"
Ugh this clinical way in which he quizzed me was putting me on edge, making me want to close my mind and block him out.
"I'm fine. I just had a bad dream last night."  Lupins face softened again to me as I began to fiddle with my scars, my fingers running up and down my wrist in an attempt to calm the anxiety that I was feeling at having to discuss so openly what was going on in my head.
"And with Professor Snape? You are close to him, how are things?" This caught my attention, making me feel shamed by the way in which Lupin had referred to Severus as my Professor when we all knew it was way more than that.
"Everything is fine with Severus and I. I guess, I should be grateful really, I was scared that he would still hate me after what I did that night i drank that potion." It seemed that as I began to speak about Severus I couldn't stop. It came out in a tumble of words. How I felt about him, how scared I was to lose him, how much he had helped me deal with the confusion in my head after my parents had died and how I never wanted to give him a reason to hate me or to worry about me again. Lupin listened intently of course, nodding and simply listening to what I had to say. That was all I'd wanted. Just somebody to listen. I couldn't make sense of the past eighteen months in my head so I was glad of it that somebody would just sit there and listen to my feelings without interrupting me or telling me how or what I should be feeling.

I'd become carried away in explaining my thoughts to Lupin and soon enough nearly two hours had passed before I felt like I'd gotten everything off of my chest that I needed to say. I hated to admit it but Dumbledore had been right. It really had helped to speak to somebody who was impartial and would simply listen without judgement. I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder as I stood up to leave the room eventually and smiled back at Lupins reassuring grip. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could cope again and it confused me. Sure, I loved Severus. That much was clear. Yet the way in which I'd been able to freely express myself to Lupin was strange and at the same time, refreshing. I couldn't do this with Severus. I felt weak and like I was a project that needed fixing when I expressed a desire to be anything other than strong and not normal.
Yet as much as I was confused about my feelings, the second I cast my eyes upon the dark haired man who sat scribbling away with a quill in his classroom my feelings melted away and were replaced with the desire to be in his arms. To feel safe.
"Hello, love." His voice sent a shiver down my spine and calmed me instantly as I climbed into his lap.
We sat in silence as he carried on grading papers and I let the tiredness consume me, exhausted from having to understand how I felt.  My confused brain let the darkness take it, images of Severus and Lupin spinning in my head. What did this mean?

***Hey how are we all? I hope everyone is still enjoying the story, there's so much more to come so Thankyou all for sticking with me, it means a lot 💖***