The only way to cope. Snape X reader

CHAPTER 37

***Thankyou to everyone who has been so supportive for my first Fanfic. It seems you all want me to carry on with this one and continue with the plot line so here you go 😘***

Y/N POV

My brain slowly started to stir from the complete nothingness that had consumed it. Gently prising my eyes open, I took in my surroundings with a sense of deep calm. Sunlight was streaming through the tiny window and dancing radiantly onto the dark sheets that I found myself wrapped in. I could of sworn I'd fallen asleep in Severus' arms yet I could not see him as I pushed myself up against the headboard. My muscles ached desperately, protesting against the weight of myself. Clearly my body had taken a beating thanks to last nights events and I cursed myself. What would happen now? I was overjoyed to of fallen asleep with Severus but the feelings I had felt prior to this were still pressing in the back of my mind. I had never felt so disgusting and undeserving of this life to the point that I'd tried to take my own. No matter how desperately I'd wanted to be with Severus, feelings like that didn't disappear overnight.

I couldn't help but run my fingers over the scars on my wrists, wondering how they had made me feel so okay. If only for a few moments at a time. How they managed to take away the pain and the anxiety one by one.
"What are you doing?"
The voice that filled the doorway spoke with an edge of alarm to it. No need. I didn't feel the urge to do something like that at this present moment.
"Nothing."
My eyes met his and I felt my heart melt. Forever would not be long enough with him.
"Dumbledore suspended him. The boy from last night. A mere suspension. It's absurd."
It was clear to see that this had rattled him and I didn't dare speak for the tone of his voice held that of a dangerous anger.
"It's ok-"
"It is NOT!"
His fist slamming hard onto the doorframe startled me and I jumped backwards in the bed. It was strange to me that he should be so concerned about the fact that Dumbledore had chosen not to expel the Ravenclaw boy. Yes, he had assaulted me but it was my own stupid fault. Wasn't it? As my eyes met his in the doorway, his stern face seemed to soften, noticing my unease at his sudden show of aggression.
"It's okay. I shouldn't have been so accepting of him or his affection last night. It was my own fault really."
The anger has reappeared in his eyes and it took all of my restraint not to cower from him as he approached the bed in three long strides, gripping my hands in his.
"What happened last night. Is NOT. Your fault."
His words did little to comfort me. I knew it had to be my fault. It couldn't not be.
"It is. I shouldn't of been so trusting."
I felt the cool graze of his fingers grip my chin, dragging my soft brown eyes into his dark black ones.
"It is NOT your fault. I don't care if you had kissed him, or pranced around wearing nothing. It does not give him the right to touch you."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. He could say what he wanted, it was my fault at the end of the day.
"At least I won't have to see him in class anymore."
"About that-"
Oh god what could possibly come next. I enjoyed my studies and truly I was glad that the Ravenclaw boy had been suspended so I wouldn't have the distraction of feeling like a cheap whore whilst I was trying to work.
"You won't be attending any classes. Dumbledore feels that you need to have to time off. Compassionate leave if you like. He believes that you need to sort your head out before you focus on anything else. You're becoming rather unstable and a danger to yourself. Dumbledore thinks it best if you don't attend any classes or complete any work and frankly, I agree with him."
Right. So they'd been discussing me all morning had they? Cooped up in Dumbledores office, discussing what they believe to be best for me.
"I am fine. I need to do my work, I can't get behind, it's my sixth year!"
My anger had come from nowhere, perhaps last nights emotions were catching up with me finally and releasing my frustration all in one go.
"Y/N. I can help you over the summer if you become too far behind with your work but you're a bright witch, I don't think you will struggle. He is right though. I think we need to start looking after your mind. Dumbledore also believes it to be beneficial if you speak with somebody. Almost like what muggles call a therapist."
It seemed that although Dumbledore was keen on this idea, the grimace that had crossed Severus' face when he told me this, indicated that he, like me, did not think that this was a path I needed to take.

Snapes POV

"I do not need to speak to anybody. I am fine."
As much as I wanted to agree with her; that she was fine and that she didn't have to follow the wishes of the headmaster, I simply couldn't. She'd gone too far. Almost beyond my reach, almost to the point that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to bring her back.

"You are not fine. Look at your wrists Y/N! Look what happened last night! Did you know ?"
My voice had dropped dangerously low as I watched her brows knit together in confusion at my statement.
"Did you know what you were doing? That you were poisoning yourself with one of the only ingredients known to act with Elf-Made alcohol?"
She didn't have to answer the question for me to know the truth. It had flashed in her eyes. Just as quick as it appeared, it had gone. But not without a trace.
"You know i did....."
Her voice came barely as a whisper, almost inaudible in the silence of the room. Had I not been so scared, so petrified of losing her, I'd of been impressed. Yet again, her knowledge for potions and their ingredients had been proven by the skills of the girl. Yes, it was a stupid, reckless thing to do yet I couldn't help but admire the passion and hours of reading that had gone into her potions research.
"And that is exactly why you need to speak to somebody-"
"I am not speaking to anyone! If Dumbledore is so insistent then I'll speak to you!"
I hadn't wanted to upset her the moment she had woken up yet it seemed that I already had.
"You know that it's not appropriate for you to speak to me given the relationship between us. You need somebody impartial, who can help you."
It angered me to finish the next part of my sentence but a part of me knew that it made sense. That it was entirely a good idea despite my loathing for the man.
"Dumbledore has suggested that you will speak with Professor Lupin each week. When we are convinced that you are coping better, we'll think about letting you return to your studies."
Her face was unreadable as she took in my words. I didn't like the idea anymore than she did. Personally, I had disagreed with the headmaster. Preventing the girl from her studies took away a much needed distraction and something I knew she enjoyed. Could it be possible that his decision making was becoming clouded and that in fact, for once in his life, the Headmaster didn't know best?

Y/N POV

In all honesty, it was the last thing I had wanted to discuss when I had woken up and as much as I wanted to argue my case, I simply didn't have the energy for it. Accepting my defeat I nodded at him, seeing the stern expression melt from his face instantly. That dark, cold mask he so often wore, taken away by my smile.

"What's going to happen to me? Whilst I'm not studying I mean? Will I have to go back home? Or to my dorm? Or-"
The panic had started off as a little trickle and come all at once. I didn't want to be alone. Knew that I couldn't face being on my own without him again. The tears had once again found their familiar home upon my face, my eyesight too blurred to notice the cool hand pulling me into his chest.
"You're not going anywhere. You're staying here, with me."
As much as the confirmation that he wasn't going to leave me felt like a lead weight had been taken off my shoulders, the emotion was too much as he pulled me tighter into his chest. That familiar scent fillings my nostrils like a drug. I could do nothing more than sit there, leaning against him, Feeling completely safe.
Never in my time on this Earth had I found a feeling of so much comfort and protection, and how strange that it should be in the arms of my Professor.
"Shhh now love. How about some tea?"
His words yet again made me melt. The silky softness of his voice that was only ever reserved for me. I looked up into those dark eyes and felt pure adoration. How had I ever become so lucky to love such a man......

***There you are! Let me know what you all think, I do love to hear your opinions and any feedback is always welcome 💖***