it starts and ends with the jordan's

Chapter 15

Extreme trigger warning. Detailed mention about self harm.

[Josephine's POV]

*dream starts*

The man from the club is cornering me in the washroom all over again. He's reaching for my dress strap sliding it down and whispering aggressively in my ear as he removes my clothing.

Your a tease Josephine.

He doesn't truly want you.

He wants you in the way I did.

He wants to take you in a club washroom and then leave.

Why would he stay?

What do you have to offer him?

You're to big Jo.

You're a pig.

I know your past.

If he knew your past he'd leave you.

He's using you.

I will be back Jo.

Your purpose is to please others and let them go.

No one's gonna love you.

Let him do away with you, don't make it anymore difficult on him Jo.

Your fucked up enough don't bring him down with you.

*dream ends*

I have never sat up so fast in my life. I'm gasping for air trying to remove Hero's body from mine. I cant see him right now. He can't see me like this. It's all to much. For the past week I have had short dreams or dreamless nights. Tonight hit me like a bus. Why is he bringing mine and Hero's relationship into these night terrors. I need it all to stop. I need silence!!
-
I walk out of Hero's hotel room and across the hall to my own. Before I can even think to lock the door I'm drowning in my sobs, still gasping for air.

I start to reach for things all over my room throwing them. I toss the pillows at the wall, throw my clothes everywhere, break a lamp and rip the pages from my favourite book. I grab a lighter and watch as it ignites. The fire slowly engulfs the paper and i watch it shrivel up into nothing. That's how I want to feel. I want to shrivel up into little ashes that blow away carrying my story along with it. Blowing away all the pain and sorrows and tragedy. I don't deserve this. I deserve peace. Peace and quiet and to be happy.  

Before I realize I'm doing it I'm on the floor resting my back against the wall. I pull my thigh up and look back down at the flame. The closer I put it to my skin the more alive I feel. I can feel something for once.

The tingling of the flame touching my tender skin covering my thighs gives me a satisfactory feeling. I'm feeling something physical for once. The more I tend to hurt myself physically, the less the mental pain eats me alive. There's no noise. Everything's silent. The heat burning my flesh gives me a rise of adrenaline.

I'm moving the flame in lines. Meaningless lines. It's like a drawing that was never finished. Just left damaged and unfinished. Like me. I related to these burns I'm creating. These marks, they are proof that I can feel. I can feel something that doesn't make me want to cry and scream and throw shit. This feeling seems to ease everything. Its addicting. I can't stop as I watch my skin flush against the burning heat.

Just as I move to my wrists I am snapped out of my haze by my favourite British accent clouding my ears.

"Jo what the fuck are you doing!" He's practically screaming at me. He races through the door towards me. Once he gets in front of me he kneels down and grabs the ignited lighter in his hands, burning himself a bit. He looks down at my thighs and my grabs my wrists in his hands examining them.

"Jo..." he looks deeply into my eyes but I don't feel anything. There's no emotion. COME ON I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING!

I reach back for the lighter but Hero throws it against the wall smashing it into pieces.

I push his chest, hard, almost knocking him over. I want to cry and scream and hurt him. He just destroyed my only source of relief. Does he want me in pain?

I can't even respond to him right now I just sob and gasp for oxygen. I'm shaking. My world feels like it's breaking down and my glue is being poured down a drain by the one I care for the most, Hero.

"Jo please talk to me, say anything I just need to know you can hear me." His eyes pool with tears but I can see him bite his lip to contain his emotions for my own good. Everyone always has to treat me like I'm some fucking fragile egg that's gonna crack at any sudden movement. I need to be normal. Normal, skinny, brunette, American, have long legs and a small rib cage. I need to be everything I'm not. I need to leave. Not only here but myself. I don't belong here.

My sobs continue and I feel the bags under my eyes enlarge themselves and put weight on my face. Hero just holds me in his embrace on the floor.

"I can't be here." I whisper so faintly I'm not sure he caught it.

"I'll be what you need. You need someone to listen while you rant, I'll be here. You need someone to kiss away your pain, I'm here. You need someone to laugh along to your favourite movies, I'm here. You need someone to hold you in silence, I've got two arms. Just tell me and I'll do anything but you can't give up on me Jo. Not now and not ever."

After minutes of settling in his embrace on the floor i push him away and stand up. I pick up a picture frame and throw it against the wall, smashing it all over the floor in the bathroom. I can't contain myself anymore when I realize I'm now punching the drywall. Crack by crack the pain in my knuckles and heart cut deeper and deeper.

Once there's a hole in the wall Hero rushes into the washroom and without thinking he grabs me from behind pulling me back to his chest. He's holding my wrists in one hand tightly so I can't hurt myself and the other is gripped at my stomach to keep me in place. I don't want him to touch my stomach and feel that I'm bigger than other girls but I'm to exhausted and unable to move. I just sob to my knees, Hero following still holding me as close as possible, brushing my flyaways off my wet, sticky face. Everything after that is a blur.

I don't know how far I would've gone last night. Hero saved me. Yet somehow I'm not sure if I'm grateful or wish he never woke up. A dark, but very real part of me is wishing he woke up to the cops pulling my body bag out and my burden on him would be set free.

Hey guys I wanted to bring some attention to mental health in this book. I find it's being talked about more now a days but it's never gonna be enough. Here's my voice being used in what I think is one of my talents, writing. I haven't personally struggled ever with PTSD, self harm or suicidal thoughts but it's a very big and important topic. I just want to say I haven't gone into to much detail about Jo's self harm in this chapter because I don't want to assume how it feels in that moment because truthfully all my knowledge comes from other survivors stories, books and research. Please reach out to others around you and reach out for help if you yourself are having any issues mentally or physically. Remember your important and you're loved! <3