𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮..𝙙.𝙢

thirty nine.

My fingernails meet my flesh. They bite into my skin like little lightning bolts. Shooting it's way through my body. There unforgiving. Pushing and pushing until my skin gives in. Until it has no other choice but to stop and give in.

To surrender.

It can only withstand so much pressure until it gives out. Gives in . It can only fight for so long. Anyone can only fight for so long before they give out.

And I can't help but rely on the sting of flesh tearing. Of the numbing feeling that washes over me as the  warm feeling of blood soaking my palms and running down my fingers

drip

drip

drip

It drips on the flooring. Painting it crimson.

I think it's beautiful.

There's a metallic taste in my mouth which i can only assume is blood. In this moment that is the only thing keeping me somewhat calm. Grounding me in this moment.

The one person that wants me dead is coming here along with the most dangerous person in the world.

There's a loud pounding in my ears. It muffles all other sounds. Until it's the only thing that remains.

I'm suddenly regretting the tea and pastries i'd eaten earlier.

The feeling of anxiety and uneasiness barrels it's way through me like a bullet and i'm suddenly rushing to the nearest bathroom and hurling my guts up.

There's a stinging in my chest and it's heavy.

So heavy

like a thousand rocks have fallen on top on my chest

and i can't seem to make it go away.

There's a faint voice and i can't seem to figure out what there saying. I can't focus long enough to understand the voice over the ringing in my ears. All there is is pain.

My chest is burning like it was just lit on fire and the pounding in my ears is so loud i can't think straight.

This is it. This is how i'll go out. Because the pain is so overwhelming that it's the only thing i can focus on.

It's all that is.

Pain is the beginning and the end.

                                                            " breathe pais"
                                                              "breathe"

There's someone familiar with me. I can feel there hands on my body. Hands i know like i know my own. One holding my hair back and the other rubbing soothing circles on my back. They smell like mint, apple, and a subtle hint of a cologne. It wraps around me. Soothing me. Hugging me tight. Telling me that everything's going to be okay.

I take a sharp inhale of breath and the burning slows. Subsides.

Breathe.

See your doing it.

In and out

Again.

Every sharp inhale is like a thousand tiny knives poking into my lungs.

Until there not.

Until the only thing left is the sound of my pounding heart and my ragged breath and the faint whispers of reassuring words.