Jane Grey

Chapter 18: Missing Stability

I had sat down for coffee nearby To-Oh University. Earlier in the day, Light had attended his new lessons in the legendary university and was apparently approached by L to play tennis with him. Quite an odd request, but then again I don't know much about him and even if I did why would I care. I felt very content sat here in the shop, tucked away in the corner booth minding my own business and the shop itself was fairly empty so the ambient music was softly playing. I let my thoughts whirr with the events of my life so recently;

I had been kidnapped, returned, investigated. Then given a job, observed my ex at the time, fell back in love with my ex, got kidnapped AGAIN, and now I'm attached. What the fuck kind of life do I lead right now? If you had told me five years ago that my boyfriend would hold me hostage and the highest ranking private detective would be concerned for my wellbeing during this time, I would absolutely never believe you. All of a sudden, my thoughts were interrupted by Light entering the aforementioned coffee shop with L trailing behind him. They spotted me and came and sat down with me, "This is my girlfriend Jane," he introduced and I shook L's hand pretending to meet him for the first time. He treated me as such.

I ignored their conversation, slightly salty at the premise that my alone time was interrupted. From what I could gather, they were discussing the Kira case in a not-so-subtle way as if I had nothing to do with it. L then interrupted their own conversation to ask me "You look familiar, are you Jane Moreaux?" he asked. I felt Light physically tense up at the question, knowing that he had told me exactly what I was supposed to know and assumed that I would tell the exact truth (which would get him in trouble). Instead, I took a risk and simply introduced myself as Jane Grey to which Light gave me a subtle look of confusion from the corner of his eye and so I gave him a smug smile whilst sipping my coffee, "Jane Grey, like the English queen?" L questioned further, and I had chuckled as if I had heard that joke a million times already.

All was well until Light had gotten a phone call that none of us wanted to hear, "Your father had a heart attack and is in the hospital right now." Part of me thought that Light had gone the extra mile to murder his own father because he was working on the case against him which repulsed me to no end (even I have standards as to who he should kill for my sake). All of us had rushed with him to the hospital, my heartbeat was pounding loudly in my ears and what felt like pulsating in my head to break out of my skull. It was beyond a relief to see him alive and well and was simply stressed. I didn't go in though, Light was intent on me staying outside of his room so he wouldn't see me and so L stayed with me after sending his regards to Soichiro. We said nothing to each other, not even making eye-contact.

The silence between us was awkward, having not interacted with each other in well over a week or so and no doubt he was informed of my behaviour from Watari. Out of nervousness and instinct, I fiddled with a loose thread on my sweater to which L grabbed my hand, upturned it, and handed me my Rubik's cube that I had left behind.

"You've clearly been uncomfortable,"
"How would you know?"
"You've picked at the skin around your nails until they're raw, not to mention you keep rubbing at your arms presumably from picking at old scars." well that made a lot of sense now that he mentioned it. I remixed the cube and started working with it like normal.

"Is he treating you well?"
"Whats it to you? Can't you see it?"
"You've been going out a lot more, I can't observe you from there as easily,"

I sighed deeply, sliding down the wall until I was sat on the ground to which he mirrored my action, "I'm losing my mind. I keep reverting between my moral compass and my desires," I admitted and so he asked how so, "Just the other day, I couldn't have cared less about who he killed, how he did it, so long as it was for me and me only. So long as he treated me like a Queen of his new world, I didn't care," he observed my behaviour, watching how I was both embarrassed and upset with myself, "And yet yesterday I wanted nothing more than to get out and run away," I felt tears pooling my eyes, my vision getting blurry and my body shaking intensely.

"Something's wrong with me L."
Despite probably being uncomfortable, he pulled me into his side and attempted to give me physical comfort. I tried so hard to suppress my tears and yet he didn't let me go until I cried. To any nurse passing by, we looked like a pair grieving for the loss of someone or something and yet nobody in Soichiro's room had come out and witnessed this, It was either luck or people were too into the conversation. If I was to draw a comparison, I'd say how I was feeling was encaged or trapped like Lady Jane Grey imprisoned by Queen Mary before being beheaded.

"Nothing's wrong with you Jane. You've just had a hard life,"
"Then why aren't you like this?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've had a hard life too, so why aren't you turning to similar situations?"
He thought about it for a moment, and explained in his usual calm way though not letting me go until my breathing had relaxed and I had cried my anxiety to rest for the day "I have people like Watari to stop me. I've always had people around me to stop me, you've not had that same restriction. Since we got you back, you was left to your own devices to recover and even then was thrown back into a world that had caused it," he explained, "If you come back with me, I can get you a professional therapist and we can try to support you in any way possible. We have an official complex at this point so it'll be better than jumping from hotel to hotel."

I smiled and accepted his offer, knowing I'll get my ass handed to me by Light if he found me again and yet I couldn't care less. I was so fragile at this point that it was a good opportunity that L could take to actually help me, especially after seeing how it's destroyed me.