Jane Grey

Chapter 45: Surviving rather than Living

I booked a consultation appointment with Mikami for when I returned to Japan. He seemed quite clueless as to who I was even though I used my real name, and the boys around me were baffled by my conduct. But when I put that phone down and relished in all that I had conspired?
I laughed.

and laughed.
and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

"You hear that K-IRA! This is MY Perfect Victory! I WIN!" I shrieked, cackling to myself and even fell off of my chair now cackling on the floor. Whilst I was losing my mind on the floor, the boys were gathered around me trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. It wasn't until Roger came in to see the situation and hauled me off of the ground, I was still giggling like a crazy man. He asked what the hell had happened, "What happened Roger?" I giggled again but softer this time, "What happened? I won."

"Won what?" Mello asked, and I gave him the biggest smile I could muster and if I looked hard enough I could see a sparkling red glint in my eyes from the reflection in an offline monitor, "I cornered Kira. Do you have any idea what this means?" Near seemed to catch my drift.
"You mean, by exposing each form of Kira; Amane, Higuchi, Presumably Teru too; Kira will have no choice but to give himself up?"
"EXACTLY!" I pointed in his direction like a flamboyant lawyer, my hair whizzing to my other shoulder no longer in its elegant bun like my first day of meeting the boys almost an entire week ago.

"So what do we do now?" Matt asked, moving to the computer I was previously working at and noting down the details of Mikami. Near, whilst twirling his hair like he normally did in thought, suggested phone calls between me and them whilst I was in Japan and further meeting once every other month or so whether it be they come to me or I go to them. Meeting more often would draw too much attention from Light unless I could come up with an adequate excuse, so the sparser the better.

Later that night, I had to pack my bag frantically since I had completely neglected to do so beforehand, I came across that small piece of scrap paper that was in my pocket. As mundane as it was, this piece of paper had me entranced. Mesmerised, I would go as far as to say enchanted. Like an out of body experience, my hand reached for a pen and went to write something. What I was going to write? I don't know. Before I could write a single character, though, my wrist was grabbed by Roger who apparently had been calling my name a bunch.
"What do you want, Rog?" I said nonchalantly as if I hadn't lost complete control over my limbs. He grabbed one of my - well actually Gramps' - dress-shirts and started folding it, expressing his concern for my wellbeing.
"I'm worried about you Jane. I barely know you and yet even I can tell you aren't right in the mind,"
"It took you THIS long to figure that out?" I joked. He did not laugh, seems like nobody appreciates my jokes.
"You've been here a week and already I've seen you dissociate, depressed, hyperactive, hyperfixate, amongst a plethora of other things," He neatly placed the folded shirt in my suitcase, whilst I grabbed something else and replicated with great struggle.
"Jane, I'm concerned for you,"
"Yeah well you don't need to be,"
"I don't NEED to be. But I am. What's on your mind, kid?"

I paused, inhaling sharply and looking out the window - not intending to be brooding, but to avoid eye contact with Roger. I put down the clothes that I was holding and caught a glimpse of the sun on my cufflinks, "I'm worried I can't live up to what they want me to be, to who they think I am." At that, Roger pulled out the chair from the desk and sat in it, whilst I had leant my weight against the table. "L thought I was this mass of intelligence just waiting to be cultivated, and now that he's gone I'm terrified to let everyone down." Again, Roger remained silent, only nodding along whilst I slowly but surely vented what can only be described as needing therapy once again.

"After being in that cellar...I don't think I recovered in the way that Lawliet wanted me to..." my bottom lip started quivering "People think trauma just makes you stronger, but actually sometimes it makes you feel weaker." Tears started spilling by this point and Roger, now stood up, grabbed a tissue and started wiping away my tears not once interrupting, "I didn't get stronger, I just got weaker Roger. I can't even handle being on my own anymore without being terrified of letting people down." I felt a skeletal hand start braiding my hair. Rather than feeling a weight lift off of my chest, that weight only got heavier and heavier until the dams broke completely.

"People want me to be like L, and others want me to be like my sister. Why can't I just be me?" I was full on sobbing by this point, probably ruining Roger's shirt but in the moment the only thing on my mind was how I could fix myself. I had all of this power in my blood and in my hands and yet the only thing I can do is destroy and take.

"This is why you need to survive, Jane. Not just survive, but live,"
"Whats the difference..."
"Well right now you are surviving. But when you was at your happiest? You was living,"
"So how do I live when everything I had to live for either leaves, dies, or doesn't want me anymore..." He put a hand to my cheek, still wiping away my tears and handing me another tissue to blow my nose. Spectre, behind me, kept his mouth shut completely, though he stopped touching my hair and rather just held me, "My dear Jane, that's exactly it. How do you live?"

How do you live when you have nothing to live for? Thats something that will take me a long time to figure out, and whether I'll live long enough to figure that out is a different story. I'll live for as long as I can for Gramps and Lawliet, but should Kira decide to take me on head first then I shall welcome him. I will be the one to make the final shot even if it means surviving for as long as I can.