Jane Grey

Chapter 46: Premonition

I had a very vivid dream last night, it was a big mesh of things so it went as follows;

I awoke in what I can only interpret to be a storehouse, half of the room was enveloped in a raging red glow and when I entered the side I felt a desire burning brighter and the adrenaline coursing through my veins from the bottom to the top. The other half was nothing of the sort - it was covered in a blue that made me feel safe but also motivated and confident. Now it would be obvious which side I would take and yet in the moment in my mind I was torn. That adrenaline was a new feeling that hadn't been felt in so long, but that comfort and familiarity of its opposition was everything I sought out in recent times. One thing I did notice was the glowing bloodstain on the red side. It would've blended in it wasn't so bright, and yet there was nothing to indicate how it got there or even a sign of a body being there.

I stood at the seam, where two colours cut off without warning, and felt every fibre of my feeling shiver in fear. My heart began pumping faster than a marathon, I could hear my pulse in my ears...It was so loud. The defeating silence only making me feel worse the longer I stood until suddenly a weight rested on my shoulder, "And where do your loyalties lie my dear sister?" I didn't dare turn my head, already knowing who it was. It looked like I was betraying them on multiple occasions, whether I did or not is a different issue. I felt them chuckle.

"You see on one hand, the side of" It was muffled when he named the red side, but he had pointed to it so I wasn't confused, "You have the King awaiting his Queen," As if by magic, a King piece from chess appeared over the bloodstain with no Queen at his side. Multiple other pieces appeared in front of him but no pawns in the front lines - the most notable ones was the knight, which was black on the bottom and yellow on top, and the bishop which was solidly grey with red dots - "and yet his Queen has yet to choose her suitor."

"On the other side," he mirrored his previous actions, "No King or Queen stands, but the pawns stand to attention. A kingdom awaiting their leader." What appeared was very few pawn pieces, many were solid grey. At the back, however, in the shadows, was two knights with brown top halves and black bottom halves, red dots in the same place as the knight on the other side. "Those pieces have been used and are no longer in commission, dead if you will, but still have a significant impact on the leadership of their monarch." Before I knew it, a gun materialised in my hand and my dear L put his own hands over it like he was hugging me "Your shot will tell me everything you ever believed in Jane. Which side do you belong to?"

All of the air was ripped from my lungs, a decision that I never thought I'd need to even consider; my mind knew that I rested on the blue side, leading kingdoms to glory like the great Queen I was destined to be. My heart, however, was torn to the red side awaiting the love and comfort that the King was bring. Lawliet circled around me, watching my every move before taking his place beside the dead pieces, "So, are you on the side of us or on the side of them?"
"You guys, all the time, it's always been you guys"
"Then why did you hesitate?"

After that, the colours started merging together and I grew increasingly dizzy, my breathing became laboured and deep. The Red King began to move closer and closer to me and the blue pawns kept trying to push him away and before I could register what was happening, I had lifted the barrel of the gun to my own head rather than to any of the pieces like had been intended... and then I woke up in a cold sweat. Tears streaming down my face like a riptide.

"What are you doing awake?" I almost jumped out of my skin, seeing the small frame of Near at my doorway backlit by the hallway. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my tears away before he could see them and checked the time, 12AM.
"The better question is, why are YOU awake? Shouldn't you have been in bed hours ago?"
"Couldn't sleep," he mumbled. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it to which he had refused. For such a small boy, he had a strong mind like the others. I offered to take him back to his room so he could relax until he fell asleep, another thing that he had refused, so we both got up and went to our workroom to review the facts one more time. England was particularly cold early mornings, so I made sure to wear a thick sweater before leaving. That sweater used to be Light's when we were kids and slowly it was no longer fitting me as I put on and lost weight in my recovery. I guess this is what he meant by hesitation. I was gripping to things that were no longer relevant in this chapter of my life, and yet claim to hold my loyalties elsewhere.

My hands shook violently when picking up the file containing Light's information as a primary suspect and scoffed to myself "'How do you live when you have nothing to live for'...What a joke," I tossed the file aside and ripped my sweater off, opting for a blanket instead and throwing the sweater into the still lit embers of the nearby fireplace. It burned slowly but surely and as each thread singed I could feel my heart grow just that touch lighter.
"In the midst of everything I have to lose, I have everything to win too. And if I can't live for Lawliet then I have to live for the crown."