Fat Girls Romance

It's Been a While

"He said, Peter Pan that's what they call me

I promise that you'll never be lonely 

And ever since that day

I am a lost boy from Neverland

Usually hanging out with Peter Pan

And when we're bored we play in the woods

Always on the run from Captain Hook"

-Ruth B. "Lost Boy"

      I know I have been silent for over a year now. Most of that is because I have been so busy I do not have time to write things down. I got a job. I am going into my senior year of high school. There is a lot of stress and a lot of pressure that I was not ready for. I have less friends from school then before. I am more distant from people than I used to be. I cut myself now oh yeah that is pretty new. When people ask what the scratches are I just say it's from the cat, from work, or maybe I scratched myself in my sleep. If I am being honest I am barely holding on by a thread to who I am. 

      At my job customers are disrespectful. They are rude the majority of the time and I always tell myself that I do not know what they are going through in their personal lives so I can not judge but at the same time they are not putting themselves in my shoes or trying to see my point of view. They do not know that after each encounter of torture with one customer or even a group that I go to the bathroom, the maintenance closet, the rug closet, or even just a spot in the store that is not occupied by customers or cameras to drag a sharp object across my left hand and wait for blood to appear. I remember the first time I did it.  A more experienced employee overheard me having a conversation with some friends in the break room, whatever I was saying was apparently something that I did not belong saying and she yelled at me in front of everyone and told me to shut up. After that I could not stand the sound of my own voice or the sound of someone calling my name to begin a conversation. I could not stand going to the restroom and getting a glimpse of myself in the mirror while washing my hands or the view of myself everywhere I turn when I walk down the mirror aisle. I hated myself and I still do. After that I grabbed a piece of broken class from the damage bin and created two small cuts on my left arm and hand. It hurt at first but seeing the blood ooze out of the cut took all my pain away. It made all the pain make sense in a way, I felt better. 

      Before I end this random thought I want to express to you that I do not condone harming yourself and if you have thoughts of it then call someone you care about and just talk to them or seek help from professionals. Please do not make the mistake I did. It is really hard lying to everyone you care about

Onlinegirl0404 becoming Offlinegirl0404 PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!