Fat Girls Romance

Lost

"Lost inside my mind

I'm falling farther and farther behind

It's getting harder and harder to fight

I can't keep running away

Running away

From me"

-Stitched up Heart ft. Sully Erna, "Lost"

      Lately, I have not had many problems with my issue. I do not feel sad anymore. There are days where I am lost inside my mind, but I can handle it. I do not think I need this anymore. I do not need to write this anymore. I think I am going to be just fine this year. I do not think I ever actually had depression I think it was just a very long low point of my life. I do not need to have this anymore, I do not need it. Thank you to everyone who read this. I hope you resolve your problems too. Goodbye. 

      That is what I am going to start telling people, that I do not get sad anymore. That I am fine. It is actually getting harder and harder to fight this, but everyone looks at me like I am crazy. Everyone can see it in my eyes that something is wrong. I do not want it to be that way anymore. I am going to tell everyone that I told about my depression "the truth". Except my "truth" is different from the "truth" they will hear. Some people I told say I am negative. I am sorry I never wanted it to be that way. I never wanted things to get this bad. They did. Telling everyone that nothing is wrong will mean I can be treated like a real human being from now on. I can not lie to you guys and say I am completely fine, but I have no problem lying to the friends I have. That might make me a bad person, but I want things to be the way they were before eighth grade started and freshman year ended. I want to go back to being me. The me that Sean never called negative. The me that got invited to things. The me that people could come to with their problems. I wanna be the me who had no problem facing the world head-on with no backup. I want to be me again. 

      I write about this a lot because this is something that happened two years ago that really hurt my feelings. I can not let it go. In eighth grade the people I thought I could call my friends were hanging out without inviting me. It made me think that there was something wrong with me. They knew that I got sad a lot because I was bullied and was not having the best year ever. I still woke up every day and walked my sad ass into the building and took any insult or glare that came my way. They did not think I would ever find out about what they were doing behind my back. They thought I would never know about anything they did without me because there was a lot. They never had to think about what would happen if I ever found out because I was never supposed to know. They knew I had problems and they did not think about how many more I would have after I found out. They were not aware of the fact they caused the majority of my problems. I thought I had finally found people I could call friends, but that was all a lie. They pretended to want to be friends with the new girl who was bullied. They thought I would feel better knowing I had friends. I did. For a little while. Then I realized that there are real and fake people in this world and out of my group, I was the only real one. I realized that the one person you can trust with your secrets is yourself. They opened a door of eternal sadness in front of me. Little did they know, they were not the first people to do things behind my back. The same thing happened in elementary school. I thought that was the worst year of my life. I was wrong. I thought I could trust them. I was wrong. I thought I finally had friends. I was wrong. I am always wrong. Maybe I am not the one who was ever wrong. Maybe it was them who were wrong. It did not feel wrong to them. Did it?

Onlinegirl0404 becoming Offlinegirl0404 PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!