Fat Girls Romance

Something's gotta change

"Cause I feel so far away, Minutes turn to hours and the hours into days, I gave up everything, You don't know what you got until you throw it all away, Cause I don't belong here, I don't belong here, I don't belong, I don't belong, I don't belong here, I don't belong here, I don't belong" -I Prevail, "I don't belong here"

      I'm tired of the same old battles. The battles in my head. The battles in my family. The battles in society. I just can't get away. 

      Every day there's a new battle. I can't escape. 

      I battle with my dad. I battle with my brother. I battle with my mom. I battle with my friends. I battle with everyday decisions that have to be made. It never ends.

      My battles with my brother are usually about laziness, weight, and sometimes we battle just to battle. He tells me I'm lazy and that's why I'm fat. He tells me I say stupid things and that's the reason why we battle all the time. I'm done that battle because in the end everyone sides with him. 

      My battles with my dad are usually I didn't do something he told me to do. Earlier he was battling me for refusing to stay at my aunt's with my mom while my aunt and her family are on vacation. All I had to say was "I'm not going to torture myself by staying at my aunt's while she goes on an undeserved vacation." I would say it to her fucking face, too. It's just not fair. 

       My battles with my mom are usually the same. We disagree about something and she starts yelling at me and then I get tears in my eyes and hold them back. Then, she tells my dad and creates another battle between him and I. I just can't win. 

      My battles with my friends are probably the worst because when I have a problem with my family I complain to my friends. Then they tell me I complain too much. I'm sorry I have a lot to complain about. I almost cried the other day in the middle of lunch because I tried to make a joke about my spring break which sucks and they didn't understand that I was trying to make a joke and they ended up yelling at me for interrupting a conversation. 

      My battles in my head are always the same. The voices say, "You're worthless, you don't belong in this world, you're trash, you're nothing but a fat fucking pig who is too lazy to do anything, nobody likes you, nobody would miss you, end it all so we can move on to our next victim."

      Some of my so-called friends ask me why I stopped calling them. The answer is I don't fucking know. My brain says I don't deserve to talk to anyone. My brain says to get rid of everybody you think cares about you. Then I usually figure out that no one wants to talk to a depressed piece of shit like me. People usually call me when they're bored, or they need to complain about something. Nobody ever calls to ask me how I'm doing, they don't call to talk to me, they call to talk about what's going on with themselves. 

      I think I've finally hit that point that my friend was talking about. When you keep so much inside that you break down. I've done it. I've broken down. My close friends forgot my birthday, they never see me in the hallways when I'm right in front of them, they see right through me. I know I'm pale, but I sure as hell am not a ghost. 

      I've been wondering for the longest time why I still stick around when I'm treated like shit by so many people. I stick around because my heart thinks something good will come out of this. It won't. Nothing good ever happens to me. I have a terrible life, I have a terrible family, I have shitty friends, what good could possibly come out of this. 

      I'm fucking done.