Fat Girls Romance

I'm fading

"I'm fading with the daylight

To skies of gray

I'm waiting on the cosmos

To call my name

And, someday it will

Oh, someday it will

I'm sick of writing sad songs

To hide my shame

Cuz I need more than drugs

To escape my pain

And, someday I will

Oh, someday I will"

-Makari, "Transient"

      I feel like I'm a normal person during the day, but at night I'm somebody completely different. It's like during the day I'm wearing a disguise and at night I'm my true self. I wake up in the morning with the disguise of the daylight over who I truly am. When the sun goes down my disguise becomes a shadow that I wish would continue acting like me. 

      My disguise is fading with the daylight to skies of gray when I become myself. I'm waiting for the cosmos to call and take me away because I'm tired of being sad and hiding my shame. I think I do need more than drugs to escape my pain. 

     I can't even lie I'm out of fucking control. This is the only place I can be myself at all times of the day. I can't take it anymore. 

      Lemme get off topic right now. 

      My shitty day started off with me getting up to go to my aunts because we are celebrating my birthday a fucking month late. I know you are wondering why. My answer, I don't fucking know. We get there and almost nobody shows up so that's how important I am to my fucking family. I can't stand the majority of them anyway. 

      Then I get home and I'm trying to order this sweatshirt that everyone told me to wait and buy when I get my birthday presents, not that I even get that much anyway. I go to order it and the gift card won't work, I know fuck my fucking life. 

      So, I give my mom the gift card and take her card to order the sweatshirt. The fucking sweatshirt is entirely out of fucking stock when just the week before they still had a number left. Just my dodgy luck, when I finally get the opportunity to order a sweatshirt designed by my hero, there's none left. Fuck my life. 

      Back to earlier on in my fucking day. My brother and I had an argument about me being in everyone's way all the time. I don't think I am, but of course, my parents side with my brother. Which happens to be no surprise. This happens every time we have an argument. 

      I might as well not even fucking fight it anymore. There's no point. They automatically say he's right. Does being fair not matter anymore? Hearing both sides of the story? Or do I just not matter anymore? To anybody?

      I'm ignored by my friends at school. They ditch me and talk to someone else. They are nice to me and then get all mean. I don't understand why everybody hates me. No one face-times me anymore. Who I thought was my best friend barely contacts me. I try to have a conversation with people and they cut me off and talk to someone else. I get dirty looks from people who walk by me. 

      I might as well stare at the ground because I already know what everybody thinks. No one fucking like me! They don't understand me! They don't want to understand me! I could become friends with someone and they get tired of me real quick. They say I'm clingy. Maybe I am, but I'm a fucking mess which is what nobody seems to understand or care about. 

      No one even asks how I'm doing. They say hi to me just to give themselves a reason to talk about themselves to somebody who they think cares. My teachers think I'm weird because I don't talk in class. I don't talk because everyone is so judgemental. Before they get on my ass for being quiet they need to get on everybody else's ass for being a dumb cunt. 

      I'm fucking tired of the treatment I get. I'm not appreciated in this world. Tell me why the fuck I'm on this earth? Am I destined for something good? Tell me am I destined for greatness or death? What the fuck does everybody want from me? I'm just a person. I'm no more than any of you, but I'm a whole hell of a lot less than everybody in this world. 

      If you have read the series of my random thoughts or have been reading this one since the beginning, then you know I had an amazing moment that made me feel like I was important. Kind of an old friend of mine, I don't know what we are, told me he cared about me. I don't what he meant, but it turned my life around at that moment. It meant a lot to me at the time. Now no one is giving me the impression that they care about me. Every moment he and I were texting it felt like a life-saving thing. I felt like his charity case. Like he was only talking to me because he thought I would do something stupid. 

      I simply stopped texting him and stopped talking to him. Since he had said he cared about me last year, no one has ever said that to me. I never got the impression that anybody cared about me. I don't have it now either. I feel like there's no one looking out for me. 

      All I can really say is no one fucking cares and no one ever will. I wish he was back in my life to say he cared about me, but everyone who gets close to me goes away. They drift into their own little world. He drifted away when he started dating Ariana.

     Now he's single and as flirty with every girl as ever. He' destined for one girl and that's my friend Beth. Maybe I've liked him for almost 2 years now. Maybe I've stepped away because I realize that nobody wants to be with someone who is broken. I'm broken and not ready to be fixed.