Fat Girls Romance

I hate him!!!!!!!!

"They started sayin' when you can't hide, run

When you can't run, hide

Started thinkin' love's a loaded gun

Nobody wants to fight

And when did we all start thinkin' that the world stopped spinning in a kiss goodnight

And when did our heartbeat beating too fast stop meanin' it was worth the while

I wanna,  I wanna be loved

I wanna, I wanna be loved

I wanna, I wanna be loved

I don't wanna run, I don't wanna hide"

-Sabrina Carpenter, "Run and Hide"

       I was supposed to go to the races with my dad on Saturday and he just said we're not going anymore. My life is just one big disappointment. Don't fucking say we're going to do something and then tell me were not. I fucking hate him. I swear he's the worst person in the entire fucking world. He knows how much I love the races and he tells me we're going and then says we're not. What the fuck you fucking asshole, cunt face, fucking bitch. DIE!!!!!!!!!

      I'm tired of it. Stop disappointing me. I ended up going tot he races. It wasn't the best time of my life. I was annoyed the whole way there and the whole way back by my cousin's son. I was freezing when I was there because I made the mistake of wearing shorts. I didn't eat while I was there because I was trying to save money. My dad said we could go to the diner when we got back home. I was counting on that. Then we get home and he just goes to bed. I'm still starving and no one will get me something to eat and there's nothing in the house. 

      They yell at me for being hungry an not eating when I was trying to save my money because I paid for everything. The whole way there and the whole way back I had to listen to my cousin's son tell me that nobody likes me, his dad hates me, I'm worthless, he hates me. I'm trying really hard to ignore him, but I can't ignore because he's right. I'm worthless, nobody likes me, everybody hates me. Why am I even here?

      I should make it official, leave the marks in my arms so then everybody knows how I feel about myself. They don't understand how I feel about going to the races. It's like another world for me. It's a time where I can see something that blows my mind. Cars going really fast around the track, the smell of the gas, the sound of the engine. They will never understand. If I could, I would go there every weekend. That would be the best thing for me. It's like an escape from everything that surrounds me, pure hatred. When I'm there, there is no hate, just loud noises that give you hope. 

      I get yelled at by everybody. I get shut out from people I thought loved me. I'm tired of having nobody to turn to. I can't trust anybody. I'll tell people things and they just ignore it and move on with their lives. They think I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm more fucked up than they could ever imagine. My brain says things and my heart believes them. I don't know what I could possibly do. There's no fixing who I am. 

      I am a whiny, spoiled, brat, that nobody likes, cares about, or wants to be close to. I am nothing. I am the equivalent to a piece of dirt that is smashed into the ground from millions of people stepping on it every day.