"There is definitely a baby."
I wasn't looking at the screen. I knew that if I saw the baby, I wouldn't be able to go through with this.
Though George was staring up at the screen while holding my hand.
"She's sucking her thumb."
She?
I closed my eyes for a moment.
"I'm sorry." Meg said immediately. "I shouldn't have said that."
"It's a girl?" George asked. "How far along is she?"
"According to the ultrasound, I'd say twelve or thirteen weeks."
My eyes widened and I immediately looked at her.
"I'm—"
Then I looked at the screen, seeing the baby lay there, sucking her thumb like Meg told me.
Oh god.
"How have I not noticed?"
"Well, would it surprise you if I said that sometimes, women don't even know they're pregnant until they give birth?" She asked. "It can happen that no symptoms show, or that they show late, or that you ignore them because they may be the cause of something else."
She gave me some paper towels to wipe the gel of my stomach and once I did that, I closed my trousers and pulled my shirt down before sitting up.
"Now, let's go through your options." Meg told me. "There are different kind of abortion methods. There is medication we can give you that will terminate the pregnancy. The first pill, you'll take here. It will block the main pregnancy hormone. Seeing as you are more than ten weeks along, we can't send you home to take the second pill. You'll have to come back the day after to take that and after four to six hours of taking the second pill, you'll experience pain and bleeding that is the result of the pregnancy ending."
I sighed.
"And the other method?"
"That's the surgical method. There're two of those. We can either insert a tube into the womb, through the cervix and suction the fetus out which is the method I will recommend as you are not more than fourteen weeks pregnant."
I bit down on my lip and looked at George who was staring at his hands who were folded while his elbows rested on the bed.
"It's a girl..." I muttered. "She's developed enough to have a gender."
Meg offered me a comforting smile.
"You don't have to decide anything right now. Legally, we can terminate the pregnancy as long as you are under twenty-four weeks. You can go home and think it through, then call me when you've made your decision."
When we left the clinic, I had my arms wrapped around myself, George walking behind me in silence.
Inez wasn't here. She had gone as George and I went into the room for the ultrasound.
It was freezing outside. It looked like it was about to rain and the air was harder then when we left.
I hadn't brought a jacket.
"Dia." George called out softly, and I stopped walking, staring into the distance while I waited for him to keep up with me.
I could feel him place his jacket over my shoulders which caused me to look up at him.
"You're shaking."
As I stared at him, I teared up.
"I can't do it." I cried. "It would be easier if she wasn't developed that much, but she's— did you see her? She has hands and feet. She had facial features and she was sucking her thumb. She was so alive and she was already so big. How can I get rid of that?"
George went to hug me but I stepped back.
"This is exactly what you wanted. You want to keep it and I just— I didn't know I was that far along." I cried. "We don't have room for another child, George. We don't have any rooms left."
"We'll figure something out..." he said, reaching out for me but I shook my head and took another step back.
"I can't believe this is happening. I promised myself the twins would be my last."
The thought of another pregnancy, scared the shit out of me. The pain I went through the last time, and the complications during the labour, but I saw the baby and now that I knew it had a gender, I couldn't get myself to have that abortion.
"I didn't know it scared you this much." He said. "Why don't we go home? I'll draw you a bath. You're shaking."
"Yeah, you already said that!" I snapped. "I just... you're right. I'm scared. I gave Amelia an infection when I was in labour. She had to stay longer because I had a fever."
"What?" George laughed. "That wasn't your fault. The pregnancy effected you poorly, but you didn't give Amelia an infection. You were all at risk."
"Exactly." I nodded. "And if that happens again... I'm thirty-five. This pregnancy is high-risk, and I don't want to die."
"You're not going to die."
"You do realise that a high-risk pregnancy means that either the baby or the mother is more likely to die or fall ill." I said. "And if I die... I'm scared of dying. I can't die."
George stepped closer to me and tugged on his jacket that I was wearing, guiding me to slide my arms through the sleeves before he closed it so that it would warm me up.
Then he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.
"I'm sorry I treated you like shit." He whispered against my hair.
"You're only saying that because you get your way."
"No." He hugged me tighter. "I'm saying that because I love you. I freaked out because I was upset but I realised how difficult you must have had it, finding out you're pregnant when you didn't want another one."
It started raining but George and I just stood there, hugging.
"We're going to get through it, yeah? There'll be extra appointments, extra focus on you and the baby." He told me. "And who knows? Maybe this pregnancy will be without complications. You haven't really felt anything so far. Just the typical pregnancy symptoms."
I took a step back, wiping my cheeks as I looked at him.
"I think we should start couples counselling again."
His small smile dropped and was replaced by a frown.
"What? Because of that?"
"Yes." I nodded, folding my arms over my chest. "You've apologised, and that's fine, but something we taught in counselling, was to listen to each other and not let it get this far, but we completely slipped because of this. So yes, I want couples counselling again before we start slipping again and again and then it'll be too late."
George sighed, but nodded.
"If that's what you want." He said. "I thought we were doing better."
"We were." I nodded. "Until this. You didn't listen to me at all. You tried to control what I did with my body and that just makes me feel... I don't know. You've always been very respective of me and women in general so I don't understand why this made you feel like you could speak to me like that."
