Love After Love...

Chapter 12: "I want the truth."

~2 months later~
Jieun's POV:
Namjoon handled my confession very gently. I knew he wasn't ready, and I respected that, but a part of me couldn't help but feel a little hurt at the fact that he couldn't reciprocate the same feelings. I decided to call Namjoon and ask him if he was okay with me visiting his studio since I had a lot of free time and I was getting bored. Making a promise that I won't disturb him at all, he reluctantly agreed. I had a feeling this was about Seokjin again, but I didn't want to extend the topic. I thought it is something about a sibling rivalry and competition between the two brothers, since they were both part of the music industry. It wouldn't be uncommon.

After reaching his studio, he unlocked the door for me, and gave me a passionate kiss. Smiling as I pulled away, he hugged me tight. "Your tone on the phone seemed a lot less enthusiastic," I said, chuckling. "I thought my brother would be here," he admitted. I didn't ask further. "Hey babe, just wait here okay, I'll just go to the washroom. Be right back," he said. "Oh yeah, sure," I replied.

As he left the studio, I sat on the couch, waiting for him. After about 2-3 minutes, he still didn't come. I got up from the comfortable couch, curious about his work. As I reached his desk, I noticed some pages with lyrics.

𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝙸 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚢 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚍
𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝙸 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝
𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚊𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏
𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚗
𝙸 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚠 𝚊 𝚏𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚊 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚎

The lyrics were really mesmerizing. I had never seen anything like it. Recognising Namjoon's handwriting, I wondered what made him write this. Interrupting my thoughts, the door opened to reveal Namjoon with a box of pizza. "Hey I ordered pizza and was waiting for it to arrive, sorry if I made you wait-" he suddenly stopped seeing what was in my hand. Seeing his shocked expression, I said, "These are absolutely beautiful, Namjoon..." He composed himself and said, "Thanks," with a small smile. "Is it okay if I ask what made you write this?" I asked. He looked at me, and after a short pause, he said, "I wrote this a year before I met you. It was for a girl I loved. We were in a relationship. I changed myself for her and did just what she said mindlessly. We had the craziest arguments, but we always found out way back to each other. I just loved her so damn much. But I was so blinded by love, I didn't notice that I was losing myself. I was a completely different person, and one that I didn't like. Then one day I found out she cheated on me. My heart broke into millions and millions of pieces. I never thought I would find love again..." And he just stopped...

A part of me wished he would go on to address our relationship, but he didn't.

"She changed me forever," he said. "Is she the reason you don't tell me you love me?" I asked. He looked at me with tears in his eyes. "It's not because I'm still in love with her, Jieun. I swear, I'm not. My concept of love changed that day and my heart felt like it was shut forever. I was so repulsed by the word that I chose to avoid it all the time. Still do. This doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm still in love with her or something. She means nothing to me." "Why didn't you tell me about her when we spoke about our dating history? Don't you think I have a right to know about this?" I asked. "You do, you definitely do. But this was so messed up, Jieun. I didn't want you to change your perception of me," he replied. "Bullshit, Namjoon. You know I never judge anyone by their worst moments. You know that," I said, my eyes brimming with tears. I blinked them back. Tears were flowing from his eyes by now.

"I'm sorry Jieun. What I did was a jerk move. I should've told you. I'm so sorry," he sobbed. "What role does your brother play in this scenario?" I asked. He looked at me, again with an expression I couldn't quite read. I continued, "Things seem tense between you two. What's the matter? I want the truth." He took a short pause, and said, looking down at the ground, "We never got along ever since we were kids. My parents always prefered him over me and that just grew after he became famous. He was the shining star, and I was nothing. He never acknowledged my role in his songs, even when I gave him lyrics and melodies. The bitterness became stronger as we grew up, and he never took steps to change it." My eyes softened up to his words. "Namjoon..." I said, "I want you to trust me... I don't know what I'm doing wrong-" he cut me off saying, "No, no, no, Jieun. God, no. Please, this is not you. This is me. I'm at fault here. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were nothing but understanding and patient. Something my ex never was." He whispered the last part, but I heard it. And as soon as he saw my expression, he knew he messed up again.

"Jieun, I didn't mean it like that-" "Do you compare me to her?" I asked, tears threatening to fall. He looked at me with sadness and guilt. "I don't... Not now..." he replied. "What does that mean?" I said. "When we first met, you intrigued me, just like her. I saw tiny similarities as we progressed, but ever since we became official, I swear I stopped. You were completely different to me since then. You are so kind and gentle. You are funny without ever being mean. You understand me, and complement me perfectly. Everything seems perfect when you're with me, Jieun. I really adore you," he said. I saw honesty in his eyes. I saw that he meant it. But this conversation was much needed in our relationship, for me to put things in perspective. "Namjoon, I think I need a little time to process all this. And no, I'm not saying we need a break, but I just need time to see things a little differently, now that I know where you come from. I still respect the fact that you don't want to talk about love. I cannot and will not force you even a little bit. But all I ask you, is please try to be as honest with me as you possibly can. I'm trying to be transparent too, but I need this to be a two-way street. Can I expect that?" I said. "Yes, yes, absolutely... Jieun? Please call me soon," he said as his voice cracked a little. A tiny tear drop fell from my eye. Quick to wipe it off, I said, "Bye, Namjoon. I love you." I kissed his cheek and drove back home, finally collapsing on my bed and letting all the tears flow.

Namjoon's POV:
I broke into tears as she left the studio. I didn't want to lose her at all. I couldn't be able to handle it. I felt an unbelievable amount of guilt for lying to her about Seokjin... But I would never need to tell her the truth... Right?
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A/N : Oh, Namjoon... *sigh*
Did you like my Fake Love touch? Haha!
No one likes to be the recipient of comparison. Negative comparison, I mean. It's important for a healthy relationship, that you NEVER compare your current partner with an ex. An ex has already done whatever he/she could have. Try to focus on your current partner whenever you find yourself unknowingly establishing comparison.
Comparison hurts, y'all. Especially in the romantic sense.