Love After Love...

Chapter 32: "Why can't I let you go?"

~A month later~

Jieun's POV:
Jimin and I had not met in a while. The clinic was getting pretty busy. He was working on his book, too. But I had an off day today, so I decided to call him.

JM: "Jieun?"
Jieun: "Hey. Are you free? Let's hang out."
JM: "Do you have an off day today?"
Jieun: "Yes, finally. Are you working on your book? Sorry if I disturbed you."
JM: "This is the first time you've initiated a meet. I couldn't disagree even if I wanted to."

I stopped at his words. Guilt. Again.

Jieun: "So... I feel like having pasta tonight. Let's meet at the Italian place near my apartment. Is 7 pm okay?"
JM: "Sure."

We hung up. He sure was a great guy.

~7 pm~

Jieun's POV:
I walked out of my apartment to find Jimin already waiting. He looked nice. "Sorry if I kept you waiting. You should've called me," I said. "Oh no, just about two minutes," he said. "Liar," I said, smiling. He giggled a little and said, "Okay, maybe a little bit like 12 minutes but that's always okay if you're gonna look like that." He smirked. "Gosh. Flirt," I said, rolling my eyes. "Only for you," he said.

We reached the tiny restaurant and had a seat. I wanted to ask Jimin a question.
"Hey... Mind if I ask you something?" I said. "Anything," he said with a small, flirty smile. "Why me?" I asked. "What do you mean?" he said. "You don't look like the kind of person who has trouble finding women," he smirked at my statement, "but you say you like me. Why me?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know. He gave me a long look and said, "Firstly, you should know I'm not saying that just because. I really do like you. I won't lie, I do have an extensive dating history, and I'm not exactly proud of it, but about a year ago I decided no more playing around. I got into a lot of trouble because of that attitude. Not like physical trouble. Just, you know... having to deal with a lot of beef with a lot of people. Even if I made it perfectly clear from the start that it's casual, it hurt people and it still caught up to my conscience and gave me that weird kind of guilt. So I stopped... And then I met you. And your eyes hold a story. And your smile makes me smile. And your words are comforting and honest. And being with you makes my heart beat very fast. And even if I know you don't feel the same, spending time with you makes me very happy."

I felt like crying. Every cell in my body wanted to stop this before it grew into something very very uncontainable. But as if I was under some spell, I just smiled. I didn't want to feel this way but Jimin's words made me forget about Namjoon entirely. And I let myself. Only for a quick minute. After that minute, all that emotional weight was back on me. I felt heavy again.

Then Jimin broke my trance and said, "So what about you? Have you been on dates before me?" "About a year after Namjoon passed, Jungkook started pestering me about meeting someone new. Wheein and Hyejin joined soon after. Seokjin joined too. It was weird seeing him join. But he's been concerned about me since Namjoon. One day, I got fed up and said okay to their requests of setting me up. They were so happy when I said yes. And when they were smiling, it made me feel nice too... When you learn to smile through all of it even when you're hurting, you realise that faking it is not that difficult. Smiling for all of them to feel like I was okay, was not as hard as I thought," I said and gave him a sad smile and he gave me a reassuring one. "So all of them sent me on blind dates every five to six months in hopes that I would find a boyfriend again. But none of them crossed the first date," I said. He smirked playfully.

"That makes me feel special, Jieun. Why have I advanced to a lot more than the first date?" he asked. "Because you stayed even when I told you what my past was. And something about your eyes makes me want to believe you. And when I talk to you, you listen. And it's clear in your body language that you're interested," I said. He only smiled.

We continued a nice talk till we ended dinner and he dropped me home. It was a very nice day. When he dropped me home, he stopped at my doorstep. I turned to say goodbye.

"Thank you for a lovely dinner. Hope your book is doing well," I said. "It's not even close to finished yet, but I've written around five poems. I need at least 30," he said. I widened my eyes and he giggled. "I'll be done with three more tomorrow. I've got a ton of ideas," he said with a playful smile. "I wish you well," I said. Just as I was about to unlock my door, Jimin held my wrist and turned me around. He looked into my eyes before giving me a hug. His hugs were so different compared to Namjoon's. Namjoon's hugs held a quiet desperation, as if I would disappear if he let go. Jimin's were delicate, but urgent at the same time. It felt very comforting.

"Tonight was lovely, Jieun," he whispered in my ear. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and left. That was the first time he did that. I waved as he sat in his car, driving away.

I entered my apartment and look a long shower. Before sleeping, I took the framed picture of me and Namjoon that stood on my bedside table and held it close to my heart. "Why can't I let you go?" I whispered, as tears fell from my eyes. "I'm so sorry, Jimin," I said, crying myself to sleep. Again.