Chatbox thoughts

I don't want to be fixed

So I talked to someone about the voices in my head.

we are having lunch Thursday...But I don't want the voices to stop. obviously, me creating scenarios in my head so that I can live in them is bad but I don't want it to stop.

And I find myself having invisible conversations trying to convince somebody that What I've done is fine and I can keep doing it. I'm pretty sure this is what a part of withdrawal is like. trying to rationalize it in your head so you can keep doing it.

because talking to myself is how I've figured out a lot of things about myself. and they've helped me create stories in my head. Really good stories that I think could be something big one day. or at the very least are entertaining.

but I've also imagined a 2nd reality version of me holding the door shut as my roommate tries to get it open. He's trying to get it open because I was cutting myself. Something I've never done in this world and I haven't wanted to do in this world.

I want it to be fixed but not at the cost of my coping mechanism. the more I try and convince myself that I'm not that bad the more I second guess my decision to get help. and if they think this is a waste of time and don't know why they even came ...

I don't even know what I'm afraid of if that did happen.

because I don't want help but I need help. I hate the idea of getting help. it's not that I don't want to ask for help it's just that I don't want help because I'M FINE.

Did I mention that I feel like I'm at war with myself? because that's what it feels like.

I've been trying to convince myself I'm fine all day. I also have been trying to do anything else than drift off into second reality.

and now I'm crying and now I'm hungry. I wish I could afford a mini-fridge. I wish I had enough self-restraint to not eat all my junk food within the first two days.

But I don't know why I think they'll think it's not worth their time. that might be me trying to convince myself that. that might be my experience with people not finding me worth it. Might just be anxiety. Probably all three.