Chatbox thoughts

I need better title names

Sometimes I wish I had more trauma in my life

Just so I could feel normal.

I know that's not okay but I've felt for so long that I wasn't a part of a group. Especially growing up homeschooled without a phone. When I did get a phone I absorbed as much of the culture and the references as I could, just so I wouldn't be left out. I ended up absorbing vine culture though. So I don't think I got to my goal but I did feel a part of the culture. I actually was in on the joke for once.

I guess my whole life I've been fighting to be included.

I, unfortunately, saw the culture as being traumatized and I wanted that to feel normal. I am ashamed to say I longed for it maybe even prayed for it. It didn't hit me that I was included in being traumatized by childhood until September 3rd, 2021. Then I realized that I was exhibiting behavior that wasn't normal.

Now, my house is not trauma-filled. My parents have a loving relationship and have always supported me and tried to make me a better person. I love both of them but I have noticed I hide myself away whenever my mom and brother start arguing over schoolwork. I realized I can't talk to my dad about issues that bug me because he just treats it as a joke or just states that I don't know what I'm talking about or he makes some comment about me being a woman or a kid.

It's gotten better now that I stay in my room. I have a better relationship with both my parents. I mean that. It also has changed since I've gotten older. My mom is no longer so strict and my dad is no longer so judgemental of me. However, I still don't talk to him about things. That's probably why my relationship with him has improved. Maybe I am scared his love is conditional. I don't know why I'm scared of this. I haven't really encountered conditional love yet.

Parents, don't ever believe the lie that says that kids don't listen. They not only listen but remember everything. Their trauma is created by their environment. You are most of that environment.

Staying in my room has caused my mental health to decline. My daydreaming has gotten worse. It's not slightly maladaptive. I've talked to myself since I was very small. It used to be to sleep at night but now it has sometimes become the only human interaction that I care about.

I also realized that I relate to Loki (from Marvel) even though I have drastically different experiences than him. I have done the things he was doing in Thor one and two. (I feel like I should clarify the psychology stuff, not the murdering). He's too much like me it's almost like looking at a replay of your life at a younger age.

But I have grown from all of this. I just thought I should inform my readers of who I was. I hope I am not doing this just to validate my own pain.

That's the funny thing. I heard over and over that "the world is gonna tell you all sorts of bad things." But it never came. I just got it from my parents, my ballet teacher and myself. I constantly invalidate my own pain because somebody else has it worse. Even my own friends seem to have it worse. I guess I'm really here writing to just talk and not seem so self-absorbed.

At least it's working.

It is out for people to see but no one is reading so it satisfies me. I wonder why.