Chatbox thoughts

Untitled Part 67

So, I thought that I could handle the distance, but it turned out that I could not.

I'm not breaking up with you; I'm just struggling to cope more than I thought.

I mean...I was struggling the past week, just being overwhelmed in my brain, between not knowing when anything's due, feeling overwhelmed by all the things I want to/signed up to do, and my depressive episodes starting again.

I was trying so hard not to be angry at you for all the noise. Because I want to hang out around you, I just can't stand the amount of noise in your life. Between the music, your game, and me already not being able to hear you well, phone calls are a struggle.

And you haven't done this yet, but just a heads up, don't call me hormonal.

Here's why. I struggle with depression. That messes with your emotions. For about a year, I felt numb when everyone was gone. I dissociated daily and have had weekends where my emotions would just shut off. (you said you've experienced this, too, so you know what I'm talking about). Once, during a solo, I dissociated on stage.

But I don't feel things the same way I have in the past. Not being able to feel things how I think I am "supposed to" makes me scared that I am losing the ability to feel again. This allows my brain to scream at me to harm myself just to remember I still can feel. (I once accidentally numbed my arm and then sent myself into a minor panic attack. That is one of the few times I have heard God speak to me as if He was next to me)

So please don't. I know you tease a lot about all sorts of crap, but I hate that the only time I feel emotions "normally" is when I'm bleeding out.

I'll be honest: I have no concerns about marrying you. I have every concern about living with you. I am so certain about marrying you. But I am scared that you might poke too much, and I will lose control of my temper and hurt you. I am scared that I will react violently one day. I can't subject you to that much violence.

I feel bad for having so many problems, for seemingly being the only one who can't function because I have asked you if there's anything you don't like, and there is nothing! 

Granted, I have a habit of hiding what I am truly feeling, but I'm working on that, and that's something I've noticed. You didn't share that. You rarely bring something up. So I feel bad for not being content.

I also feel bad for only posting angry thoughts here but that's what this is here for