Chatbox thoughts

Untitled Part 89

I think it's time I rewrite my testimony.

My Wednesday night Bible study has been doing a series on the fruits of the Spirit and connecting them to people's testimonies. I got to thinking if I was asked about this, which one would it be? I thought it was going to be peace or kindness because of all the work that God has done in my life to change me from this angry person to who I am now. I even considered gentleness due to what I found I needed in my life.

Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

But I was called to a different word: faithfulness.

God had been calling me to this song as of late, which is called "Abandoned." I thought it was just to address my sensitivity to the word. "I'm completely, deeply, don't care who sees me abandoned." Those are the words they said, and I never realized how they connected.

Little did I recognize how much I related to that. To understand God's faithfulness to me, you have to understand I struggle with abandonment issues.

To those who have met me, I seem really personable and very extroverted. But that is a carefully crafted mask I have been wearing since I was young. The truth is I am scared.

I lived in a bubble during my childhood and was taught that the world was this terrible, awful, scary, dangerous place. I was taught in Sunday school (not by anyone who teaches now) that God doesn't forgive mistakes you keep making.

I had dance classes with a teacher who would ridicule and mock children for the smallest mistakes. She would blow things out of proportion. She made girls cry in class. She made me cry on multiple occasions.

My parents would tease me for every little abnormality I had. Everything we were being teased about was so minor. I was teased for how I eat food. On top of that my parents were very reactive people. My mother taught my brother school and he seemed to always get on her nerves. There was a lot fo yelling a lot of threats.

Anytime she was in pain she lashed out at us. Anytime my dad was mildly annoyed at us he lashed out in anger at us whenever we approached him. If I needed help with a project I forgot about I would just get in trouble for it.

They made it very clear they were not safe to be around or confide in.

those things built a very angry, sarcastic and mean child. I snapped at everyone. I made fun of so many people. I bullied kids at school. Because nobody will hurt you if they think you'll hurt them. That was the idea. Make myself untouchable so I don't get hurt again.

And then my best friend started to push me away. I was about 11 when this happened. Let me tell you that angry child got angrier.

I was confused. I didn't understand why the person who was supposed to stay forever was leaving me. She was treating me like I wasn't worth her time.

She wasn't the only one who left me. Dance friends and my youth group did too. It didn't help that my mom refused to drive us to any events because they were "too far." I felt constantly excluded.

At a young age, I was shown that everyone didn't care about me. I desperately wanted them to love me. And I was terrified of making a mistake. Because I would be punished or people would just leave. I was isolating because no one in my world was safe.

I remember crying out to God being lost and confused at why my best friend didn't want me. I just wanted my friend back. I cried out to Him because I hated who I was. I didn't want to live with me. I didn't want to hurt people but I just couldn't stop. I begged God to change me.