Chatbox thoughts

Ghost

So my mom got Covid.

She is fine. I am not concerned. No one else is sick yet, but it does mean that we are quarantining ourselves until we make sure that the rest of us are all Covid free. But I had dance tonight and I was going to pick up tamales there. So I decided I would go and pick up the tamales from dance and just not go to class.

Currently, I am sitting in my car waiting for tamales outside of my dance studio.

I watched all of them go into the studio. It's like being a ghost.

See this is how I know May is gonna suck. Because this right here? While I'm watching people enter and I can't go in. And I see my teacher looking around at the door for anyone else and her gaze just passed over me Like I wasn't even there. It sucked.

No one saw me. Except for one person who waved at me quickly then left.

It felt like that scene at the end of a movie where that one person who has left their old life behind is now watching as the ones they love move on without them.

It's like you aren't even there.

It's worse because I know what dance they're doing. And thinking about the steps makes me cry more. Because every part of me longs to be in that room but I can't. And I've been crying for almost 45 minutes now. Class is now over. And I'll watch another class go in. And that will suck more.

(This next part was written after I got home)

I found out where the tamales are being distributed and as I walked by the building I hoped that no one would open the door. After I got my tamales I almost completely shot past the door to the classroom. But I didn't. Instead, I put my hand on the glass and moved it back and forth so my shadow looked like I was waving. I don't think anyone saw it.

Then I ran back to my car trying not to collapse because I heard the song playing. When I shut myself inside the car then I started crying again.

I've been home for a bit now and I have calmed down but it just hurts that I am gonna leave. It's like burying someone you were really close with. It feels surreal and like nothing is right. It's not even dancing that I am upset about leaving, it's everybody else. It's the people I am gonna miss. Most people don't understand this but I do and it sucks.

...I have to say goodbye to the thing that saved my life

in five, maybe six, months.

This is gonna be fun.