Chatbox thoughts

Untitled Part 74

I found out the reason why that whole thing made me feel not great. Because he had the opportunity to call me. He could have taken 15 minutes to call me and just listen.

I could care less that he wanted to hand out with his friends. was I jealous? yes. But I was happy that he had everything that I wanted. I was happy for him!

I was just upset because those late night phone calls are the highest form of intimacy for me.

Texting is ok. Emailing is ok. But those late night calls when it's just us? that means everything to me. My love language is quality time but more than that it is interaction.

Have you ever noticed that I talk more on those late night convos? I keep talking because I keep thinking of more things to say because I gain energy in those conversations.

At night, in the quiet, minimal distractions (we do have adhd and random people who pop up), and conversations that could last the night. THAT is intimacy for me.

so yeah it hurt...a lot. I still feel terrible that I am the one who is having all the issues with the relationship.

He says he's not going to change for me. I know what he means by that he's not going to change his personality, his mannerisms the things that define him. I don't want him to. I am dating him after all. If I wanted somebody else with a different personality I would have found them. I don't want to change him.

I like those late night conversations because he's honest with me. I like those conversations more when he's drunk. that's a horrible thing to say. But he's more honest with me. He doesn't mask with all the insecurities in his head.

Maybe I'm just not used to somebody with very little insecurities in their head.

Maybe I am searching for something that's not there because I feel like a burden. maybe I'm pulling for him to be just like me so I don't feel like such a disastrous freak.

secretly (not really) I think he's making a terrible decision. I am a broken wretch of a human being. I swing wildly back and forth between ok and not ok. sometimes within the same day. I need support and assurance and patience.

I want to be his support his assurance and be patient with him.

I cannot fathom why he want to marry me.

I was having this argument in my head earlier and I broke down crying. I was so upset I took off the ring. I gripped it tightly in my hand. I let the hard surface dig into my palm. I couldn't let it go but I couldn't put it on just yet.

I didn't want to let go of this relationship but I couldn't accept that he wanted me.

It's funny. He didn't even get me this ring. It had been sitting in my room for years and when I put it on it still fit.

I did put the ring back on a few minutes later just in case you're wondering