Chatbox thoughts

invisible conversation

For context I was talking to the characters in my head again...about sex. be warned. For the record this is how I'm working through insecurities. and where we pick this convo up is after a solid amount of dialogue pushing me to this truth.

"I know that you reading my reactions is part of a healthy sexual relationship but I hate that you have to look at me.

"But why? I like how you look"

"Because I don't like how I look!" 

The inflection was on "I". The silence was deafening. I had never admitted this before. this is where the crying in real life started.

"I don't want you looking at me judging my reactions because I don't like how I look."

I continued on. "everybody else doesn't seem to have problem with this why do I?"

I don't remember what specifically you said. but you did assure me that we were going at my speed.

"my boundaries are your boundaries," you told me. it calmed me down. the conversation took a brief hiatus for me to really calm down before you added:

"just because you don't like it doesn't mean I can't like it"

"I know. but...I don't know why this is different."

(I haven't found anybody that has answers on that btw.)

Self-worth is described as the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. It is not based upon outside forces. it lasts even we make mistakes and fail.

I don't know why my inability to like my reactions makes me want to blindfold myself. Maybe because I don't want to be laughed at even if I make a face that's funny looking. I don't want to feel stupid even though I'm way out of my depth.

I hate that everything still goes back to my past. I've dealt with so much of this already I hate using the same excuses for everything.

I hate that I'm gonna know when you get excited seeing how I react to things.

Do I hate this because I lose control here? Is this a trust thing? Because I cannot control how I react I hate that I react at all?

I mean...I trust him with my life.

There's too much expectation with sex. Hell the only expectation he's got is that I'm going to like it. I'm not convinced.

I know I'm definitely scared that he's gonna be right and he's gonna rub it in my face.  Lord knows nobody lets me live anything down. not that I'm any better.

He lets things go tho. Well, he remembers them but he keeps those memories to himself. it's refreshing.

"it's just a test...well...not that kind of test. you just want to see what I like and don't"

"that's what all tests are for"

"yeah but if you don't get the grade you want you get upset. I guess the problem here is that I'm not going to get the grade I want, which means I have to learn more but the only way to learn more is to do it. and I can't do it without taking the test."

vicious cycle

Because honestly I could be 100% undressed in front of him and be fine. but actually enjoying myself because of him? nope. no good.

there's nothing wrong with your husband liking what you look like. or what you sound like or what your reactions are! in fact that is the point!

I hate what I sound like. he loves it. I hate my reactions. Hell I don't even know if I will react. I might look uncomfortable or scared the entire time.

why can't you shut you eyes?

because he wants to look in my eyes...that requires them to be open. He thinks I'm going to enjoy being eaten out. I don't think so.

Sure it might feel nice but I don't want your face anywhere near there. In fact that is the one thing with sex I DON'T want to do.

Bdsm? sure! Rough sex? why not? Something known to give women pleasure? absolutely not. Why? that's scary.

I hate insecurities. seriously. They are so annoying to deal with. So nit-picky. it's annoying.

also the idea of having a wedding day is starting to freak me out...that's new. there's a couple reasons. 

1. I don't want to get yelled at by my parents for the songs we play. Or the language we use. Or the probably over sexualized dancing. My whole family is going to comment. I'm sure of it. I just want to exist without commentary. Thanks.

2. the probably over sexualized dancing...it makes me uncomfortable. I want to be on the dance floor but that's gross and unappreciated.

3. Wedding night. too many people are gonna bring it up. Especially since one of his friends doesn't get the whole "waiting until marriage" bit. he's commented before he'll probably do it again. So will my aunt. So will my mom. My mom more out of trying to prepare me. But honestly that is the last thing I want to think about. I would 100% be exstatic about getting married if I wasn't expected to have sex.

what sucks is that he likes sex and I am scared. 

He feeds off of my reaction. if he thinks I'm not enjoying it he gets turned off. I'm pretty certain that I am going to look uncomfortable the whole time.

He enjoys this I don't want to kill that for him. 

too much pressure. I'm have considering secretly getting married a few weeks earlier just to not have to deal with that. Sure we have the full thing later but just signing the license and exchanging vows early so there's less pressure on the actual day.

idk tho. maybe I'll have ealed a little more before then. maybe I'll be more ok