Chatbox thoughts

oops...again

Wheelp we are spiraling slightly. Idk how long this will last. I am currently listening to Cat vibing to Lady (Hear Me Tonight) but is it's perfectly synced (1 hour). I may have lost my sanity but I haven't lost my great taste.

So I asked another writer friend to analyze my creative works (the ones I do not post on the web) to see what my sub-conscience is dealing with. So far friend has judged the random collection of ideas that I keep for fun.

I have enjoyed the slightly comical play-by-play very much and I think they did that to relieve any tensions about this. Either that or they were feeling Sherlock-y and dramatic. Most likely the latter option.

However...they are going to stay on the actual stories next and I am wildly nervous. Don't get me wrong I am excited. I like their opinion and I trust it. And I know that I won't be hurt by what they say but I am still nervous all the same.

I am probably going to ask them not to send me the play-by-play until they've finished reading the entire thing and then send it to me all at once. But still stage it as a play-by-play like they have been doing. Because it's fun to read and really nice

If friend is reading this and I haven't asked yet...I meant to ask but I probably forgot...sorry. Either that or it was easier to explain here. regardless sorry I wasn't super direct.

I don't know why my stories are making me anxious. They always have. Each of my stories may be a piece of me that I don't tell people about and writing these vulnerable characters was just my sub-conscience trying to express itself.

Idk so I'm gonna change the topic.

I read this comment on a youtube playlist I like, it was about how this guy was being used by his friends as someone to vent to. It reminded me of why I'm here. I don't really get a chance to talk as freely at my house. So I write things out here. I used to vent to two specific people and I always felt bad about it. I know they have issues and I've told them they can come to me at any time (except 3 am XD). But I feel like sometimes I'm the only one talking and that sucks because I know what it feels like to be the ignored and shut down person in a conversation. I like to talk, and my friends are quieter than me. So sometimes I get nervous that I am too self-centered and that I need to talk less. Unfortunately, I realize right in the middle of a train of thought.

I don't want to be self-centered. I am not supposed to be that way. It feels like every time I try to talk about what's bothering me  Panic tells me I'm being self-centered and Susan tells me that people have it worse off than me.

Susan is right though. Many of my friends have it worse off than me, In all aspects of life. I hate feeling blessed for all that I have mentally and materially when everyone I know is so...different.

I don't talk about this a lot so you are gonna have to promise to keep this a secret.

I hate that I have so much. It kinda sucks. Don't get me wrong having this is nice But I hate being so different than everyone else. For a long time, I wished to be like everyone else I saw, broken, hurting, normal. That was the worst decision of my life. Because God answered that wish and he opened my eyes to what I was. (It's not that I didn't know I was lost and sinful, but I saw people on the internet with all sorts of mental illnesses and child me saw that as normal and wished for it.)

I didn't see myself as being broken then and now I do. It hurts and I'm ok with that.

I don't know why I've always had a desire to be normal. Everything about me is so different from the environment around me. I got a phone late and after years of wanting to understand all the references, I shot through the internet like a spark. It showed me what I thought was normal and I wanted "normal" badly.

When I grew up and became confident in myself, I stopped adapting to society's current views. So now I am still kinda living in the 2010s decade's pop culture just for myself. I still pay attention to today it just doesn't mean as much to me now.

Have you ever wanted your story to be shared widespread but nobody knows it's yours save for a few people? That's me. That's how I feel, for who knows what reason. It's not Panic making the decision for anonymity. It's the driver. The important part is for people to hear and/or relate to my story. They don't have to know it's me. Of course, I would probably tell many people if my story was put out there.

But as this writing comes to a close I'll leave you with what I've learned from living as someone wanting normalcy: I know it looks like you'll feel like you belong but you won't. I've found out that finding other people who feel like you and making friends with them, will leave you with friendships that last a lifetime. Then y'all can make your own normal. But if you want to go get their normal make sure you have good people behind you. Because I know you'll get what you're searching for. There will be good and there will be bad. So make sure you aren't alone before then.

Ok?

Cool  :)