Chatbox thoughts

wow

I don't even remember the context for anything I just remember the end results.

Isn't it funny how the mind works? Forgetting the memory, and leaving the scars.

I don't remember 90% of every ballet class I did, but I remember that she yelled at my friends. and I remember that she told me I wasn't a dancer because I cut my hair.

I don't remember why I avoid my dad so much but I know that every time I argue with him he pushes the right buttons to make me angry.

do you know how hard it is to confront someone about the way they've treated you when you can't remember what they did or when? My former friend told me that everything I felt that she was doing wasn't true because I couldn't remember when it happened.

when I try and argue with my dad my mind shuts down. I can't articulate my beliefs to him.

At least I know he is just aiming for a rise in me. Many times he is insulting me just to joke.

But I never expected that from my mom.

My mom called me a pig a few weeks ago...In church...In front of other people. And I just found out that she said it because she thought it was funny.

Well, I don't think it's funny to bully your kids into having better eating habits.

I can barely believe she would say that.

She has watched me be left out of every group I was a part of, she watched every door be slammed in my face, and she is the one who cried when I didn't get to go to prom. I DIDN'T EVEN CRY when I didn't get to go to prom.

I barely felt the blow. it seems like I do that now. my mind just shoots me with a numbing agent every time I get bad news.  Apparently, that's called a flat affect. and I use it against emotional abuse...I just figured out what this was.

"Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person."

I have been experiencing this my whole life and I am just now figuring it out.

Nobody is perfect and nobody is left without scars but dang, I'll admit I didn't see this coming.

and I', reading the article and seeing how much of this relates to my life. Everyone has been doing this my whole life...and I didn't see it.

and I thought the reason why I wanted to spend time with specific people was that they were non-judgemental. and they were that but they also didn't try to change me.

they say that those who were victims once will be victims again. I was a victim and I didn't even notice.

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https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673